Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Changing Chapters and a Lingering Sadness

I didn't blog yesterday because I have been trying to "just deal" with some things that have been weighing heavily on me. I find that day by day I just am not "dealing" as well as I hoped I would. First being hubby and I just suffered our 3rd miscarriage in 4 years. It's funny how no amount of logic can mute the fact that it just hurts. Then there are the insensitive people that say well you have so many already. And those that while meaning well just say " im so sorry" and expect you to be fine the next day. Or even a week later. Needless to say I have not been on my A game for the past month. I started spotting over a month ago. So I haven't been myself and unfortunately being human, it shows.

Secondly, a dear friend came to me with a problem she was having and during the course of the conversation it was revealed that for several years of knowing this person, that I didn't really know some important things about her. Now thats not to say that a friendship is a ticket to all knowing about another person. However we called it a sisterhood and to me that implies a deeper connection. For whatever reason she hid a large part of herself from me and when it was revealed ( during the course of the conversation in dealing with her "problem" ) I was hurt at being so far outfield. Needless to say things are not going well with said friend and because I was hurt by being on the perifery of her life I have discovered that , that makes me self centered among other things. At least in her eyes.

I think it is absurd to think that a person wouldn't be hurt by such a revelation after years of being led to believe that you and another person supposedly share a close bond. Regardless I find the more I think about it the more I just have a lingering sadness about the whole thing. However I am going to rely on my own understanding of who I am and trust that truth will out. It always does. Hopefully my friend sees that I care about her and would never try and hurt her but in the end I have to matter too. Truth be told I haven't felt that in this relationship for a long time.

Thats ok, people change, life changes. The older I get the more I look for different things in friendships than I did several years ago. I am sure the same is for everyone. Perhaps I just don't fit her needs anymore. Perhaps if I am honest, she doesn't fit mine either. I sure would hate to see it end though. I would much rather see it continue to evolve but if there is anything I have learned in this life, it's that no matter how hard you try you can't create yourself in another person. And why would you want to? I hope that things work out but no matter what it's a life lesson. Perhaps I am too forthcoming in friendships, perhaps I give too much of myself emotionally, trust too far and expect far too much. Perhaps I do react to my own hurts instead of focusing on someone else . Perhaps I put too much emphasis on trust and sharing in a friendship and that shouldn't matter as much as other things. There is no doubt in my mind that she was a good friend to me and I tried to be good to her. However in the past year or more there has been a widening gap between us and that is something we both are responsible for. Hopefully time will mend things and there will be a renewed chance at friendship. I'd sure hate to see it end. Yet still my heart hurts at the idea that somehow this was a test I failed.

On to other things. Today was largely low key, but once again my pet peeve was triggered. ( or one of my pet peeves anyway). I hate drop ins. I hate when people just show up. It throws my day off, I feel caught off guard and unprepared. Most people who know me know this about me and just call first. If I answer the phone generally I will say sure come on over. But please call first. If I don't answer then probably one of two things is going on : 1. I am not home, 2. I am busy and don't want to bother with the phone. If that makes me rude so be it. I hate the phone unless I am talking to one of my girlfriends of DM or FP. I just do. I will return the call when I can. but don't just show up.

Today for instance. My MIL (Mother in law) shows up with eggs. It was as random as that. Just eggs. I am helping cater a brunch on sunday and she wanted to make sure I had enough eggs. Of course she comes over when its the worst time. The kids are playing , MTA is babysitting while I rest because I am still cramping from miscarrying. So I look like hell and feel worse and she shows up and she asks what are we doing? I wanted to scream. Of course she knows I was sleeping and somehow I feel a silent judgement about it. Wether its real or imagined I don't know but it's there. And then I stew about it all afternoon because WHY should I ever feel guilty for resting when I need it? Or napping ? ever? Does that make me somehow a less than mom? So if people would just call before they show up I could save myself all of this aggravation. I am just weary, it feels like on every side I am just falling short. Perhaps that is the mom in me. Perhaps I really am. I just wish I didn't feel like I was changing life chapters as fast as my underwear.

It should be noted MIL is a nice woman but through the course of my marriage I have felt....a certain disapproval. Perhaps every wife does.

anyway not a witty or even very enjoyable post but I feel better for posting it.
Ill try harder tomorrow. I always do.


Skot the Fabulous said...

Hang in there babe. This can only go up! And don't worry, I will always call before I come home!! LOL

Freddie said...

So very sorry for your loss.

I don't think you ever really "get over" that kind of loss.

Mrs.Flabby and Unfabulous said...

Yea freddie, I don't think so either but for some odd reason I feel I should "handle" it better since it's happened before. Some part of me knows thats unfair but there it is. Thank you for posting and I am happy that you stopped by. Thanks again.