Sunday, February 1, 2015

A late night and a little peace

A little  time has passed since we first learned about the possible complications regarding our pregnancy and I have begun to notice some things that are unexpected.  Most days I feel a lot of peace.  I did not expect that.  I still have worry don't get me wrong but deep down I have a real sense of peace. 
   Anyone who really knows me, knows that we have been through much in our 20 years of marriage.  I tend to be the one who prepares mentally for anything and does all she can to mitigate damage even before it happens.  As you can probably imagine this has led to times where I worried for no reason and was often left exhausted and while relieved, I often felt hapless as if I was carrying a basket that was useless. 
   This time I don't feel like that.  I feel like I gave my basket away.  I know there is a very real possibility that things may take a heartbreaking turn but yet there is that sense of peace.  I often look back at my life so far and think about how I never saw this life coming.  I always wanted to be a mom and marry someone who truly loved me but I grew up pretty jaded about the likelihood of that happening.  So to sit here surrounded by blessings that are so plentiful that I can't even number them is humbling to say the least. 
   Another unexpected thing that announcing the journey we are currently on has brought is the people.  People have come together to show us love and support and their love is loud.  I did not expect that.  I told my daughter a couple of days ago that no matter the outcome this baby is already here.  Real and loved. Not just by us but by those around us who are praying and showing their love for us.  I also told her that this baby doesn't feel like just our baby.  It feels like everyone's baby.  I know that is an odd statement but there it is. 
   I have also noticed how some voices are oddly silent.  Maybe they don't know what to say.  Maybe they don't want to say anything.  Maybe what they want to say wouldn't be well received.  I have reflected on all of these things and I have come to the conclusion that whatever the reason it is all OK.  Generally speaking we would not have told anyone we were pregnant for a few more weeks if not the entire first trimester.  If it were not for the E.R. visits and the fact that we were afraid of what was going to happen , we would not have said anything because with our history of miscarriage, it was a very real possibility.  I stopped telling people when they happened because sometimes well meaning people can say things that hurt so deeply that you carry it with you and it becomes intertwined with your grief. 
   Needless to say, to have all that we are going through "out there"  is unusual for us.  I tend to only tell a very few people what is going on with our family and most others get a very abridged and sanitized version if anything at all, not because we don't want others to know us.  We just don't tend to share very often. 
  I started blogging again because my husband said I needed to document this journey and I agree.  It is therapeutic to talk about what is going on. 
   So here is what we are looking at in the next few weeks.  I have to find a doctor and get another blood test as well as another ultrasound to determine where baby is and if my HCG levels are still rising normally.  If baby is in the womb like it should be then we well see the doc again in a month I would assume unless the doc determines I need to be seen more often.  If baby is not where it should be then it will set into motion a whole different set of circumstances that we will have to navigate.  We are spending each day as if everything is fine and enjoying the idea of a new little one again.
 I think one of the things I am most looking forward to is seeing my mom with the new baby.  She didn't get much chance to bond with our kids as babies but she did plenty of bonding as they got older! I hope I get to watch that relationship develop.  Especially since I am older and I feel like my eyes are open now. 
  So here is to hope and peace.  I quite like their presence.
Take care
Mrs. Flabby