Saturday, August 22, 2009

The poem I promised

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get upafter the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This is the the poem I promised a couple of days ago. I didn't post it yesterday because I posted that bohemoth ( I have no idea how to spell that word. That is not normal ) of a post yesterday and I figured that was long enough to make anyone read. I really wanted this to have a place of it's own.
I got it from a fellow blogger. I really enjoy her blog. Check her out.

I want to talk a bit about this because it feels very real for me. Almost like a deja vu sensation. Like I owned these words as my own.

It is almost like each stanza is a stage of my life. At some point I was that and then I changed into a different stanza. I love that.
Much of this poem I think remains true about myself. Some of it I want back. Some it was time to let go and embrace a new part of myself.
This really touched me. I am so glad she shared this with me.

Can you see yourself? Let me know what you think!
As always
Mrs. F.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I love cooking

I just posted a tidbit about a new recipe I created on my Foodie Flabulosity blog.

I wouldn't say that I am a very creative person per se but when it comes to food I think I very well might be creative!

I had the BEST lunch. It stemmed from over cooked rice. I turned overcooked rice into creamy risotto cakes with shredded chicken, cheese and sour cream in them.

The result were crispy golden cakes fried in butter that were creamy and seemed really indulgent.

My daughter and I came up with this , when our rice cooker decided to have a stroke and over cook the rice. A first for this cooker.

The first batch MTA fried up were a little loose and flat. They tasted great mind you but they just didn't look very good. So we determined that if we chilled the mixture for a bit, we could fry them better and they would hold their shape.

I love creating new recipes. I wish my kitchen was a better work space so that more than once person could be in there at a time but nothing to be done about that . That takes money we just don't have.

I find myself sitting in front of my laptop often and just brainstorming ideas for recipes. Reading online recipes and cookbooks for inspiration etc. It's funny, after the fire I thought I would never want to cook again. My family was actually worried about it. Slowly I got back into the swing of things, for some things it was very slow. I seemed to want to try new things after the fire and leave all our family favorites tucked away.

It is interesting to me how food is such a part of our memories and experiences. Those beloved family recipes that my kids clamored for were painful for me. It took me to a place that I wanted to forget. Just move on I told myself. Keep plugging away. Don't stop for a moment to think because if you do.....I knew I would have to face how horrific the fire was for our family.

I try not to talk about it anymore. The kids mention it but it has become a footnote in what has turned out to be a pretty great transformation of our life. Thanks to a ton of people who cared for us when we couldn't muster the strength to be strong for one more day.
Sometimes though , something as silly and significant as creating a new recipe with my kids, brings those memories back. They are bittersweet now and don't carry as much pain as they used to. It would be easy to sweep it all aside and say flippantly " we only lost belongings and a couple of pets" smile emptily and follow it with" We have eachother"

It is true we have eachother. We were so very blessed to have no one hurt in the fire. Having seen my brother hurt badly in a housefire when I was a kid. I have a clear understanding of what can happen and how very very blessed we were to be able to hug eachother after the fire and every single one of us , in perfect health. That is the single greatest blessing.

However, our lives are made of up so many things that we take for granted. Every parent knows their childrens favorite things. The things that soothe them when they are fussy or scared. We as families know our pets are huge parts of our lives and they imprint on our children as litter mates and treat our babies like they were their own.

We all have things we treasure and become such a part of who we are that we cannot think of parting with them. Attatchment is human nature.

I don't know why I am going on about this today. Maybe I am feeling triumphant and sad at the same time. Who knows.

All I know is there is a memory after the fire. A couple of nights after the fire. That haunts me. I try to never entertain it. Never allow it to settle into my thoughts. I try very hard to replace that memory with something else, anything else. To no avail.

I should share it here and maybe by speaking about it I can finally leave it all be but somehow I know that this instance, this fire, this...happening. Will live on. It has to. It is part of our family history. It has molded us into who we are and our children as well. They remember. They , as most kids ,are open and relaxed about their memories. They talk about it. What they hated, what they are thankful for, what they wish they had back. What they wished mom and dad still had. The difference between them and me is when they talk about it, its only sad for a moment and then they let go. DM could tell you that letting go for me is very hard.

Sometimes I just can't let something go even when it hurts. Most days I am fine but some days are like today. A really great moment with me and my daughter is shadowed by memories of what once was. How she and her brothers once spilled a five lb bag of flour all over the kitchen and surfed in it until I got out of the shower. Belly surfed. The memory is a funny and sweet memory but it gives way to seeing that kitchen after the fire. It's hard to explain. I can still smell the smoke.

The memory I referred to was the night of the fire, our family crammed into a one room motel room. Two beds and a tv. It was a truckers motel. It was dark and Superman was crying that he wanted his Bibo ( His stuffed panda bear he loved). Then MacGuyver jr was heard softly weeping as he said " I miss Roxxy" (our chihuahua that was badly injured in the fire and later passed away) Sketch and Walker TR began to weep as well though they wouldn't speak. MTA trying to be brave said to Superman ( He was 2) " you can have my bear " her voice was quivering and it was her only belonging in the entire world ( gift from the red cross ). There we all were in the dark. The kids on one bed and Farty Papa and I on the other. Everyone weeping. Farty Papa got up and one by one brought each child into the full size bed that we shared. We all cried and snuggled together in the dark. I have never felt more helpless to comfort and help my children with their sadness.

Their comfort was gone. All they knew and treasured. I feared their childhood was gone in one moment. It was a very very bad night. It still makes me cry.

Now let me say that my children are happy and healthy kids and the fire is just a memory for them. They have a lovely childhood and speak often about the good memories they had in our old house. They have created brand new ones in our new house. All is well.

I just never want to go back to that place again. I never want to know that heartache for my children's hearts. If that makes sense.
Yet when I look back now, in this moment, I can remember clearly that they kids tears quieted down quickly and then they slept. FartyPapa and I didn't sleep much for what seemed like months. Looking back I can see that all we needed was eachother for comfort .

Thank the heavens we had eachother.

Sorry for the rambling post. I am unsure why I felt the need to share. Perhaps someone out there needs to read something I wrote.
Sometimes I think I should write a book. Then I remember that I have a gaggle of kids and likely not enough brain cells left to put down a coherent thought.

So whatever comes to me goes here for good or bad. Take it for what you will.

Feeling very blessed and bittersweet.
Mrs. F.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Stuff and changes.

So much has happened in the past few weeks. We watched the demise of our pool party and the birth of the trade off. More on that later lest I jinx it by mentioning it.

Oh DM if you are reading this. We need ribs ASAP! Lets get together for dinner soon. I'll bring the hungry tummies and the sides. DM= the rib lady.

We bought a truck that we badly needed. Our poor cars are like that one teacher we all had in school that was wayyyyy past their prime, limping along and hating life. We really needed to get something that we could really depend on. I really love it. I feel like a teenager getting their first car only not MY first car( which had a blown head gasket and I never got to drive it).

Squee! so excited. Thanks to SIL and BIL for letting us buy their truck and for taking such good care of it.

We started back to school a few weeks ago and wow the kids are just doing so well. They are very dedicated and I love seeing Sketch reading so well.

So enters my pet peeve. Handwriting. I cannot stand my childrens handwriting. I have tried and tried to correct it but it is like BURNED into their brains to write like mad doctors.

So do I continue to beat my head against the wall and endure hours and hours of correcting handwriting and complaining from kids who just don't think they should have to write legibly? Or do I throw up the white flag and let them write how they wish and decide I don't care if their handwriting makes them look like illiterate, backwoods hillybilly's on paper?
(no offense to backwoods illiterate hillbillies. I totally support your right to be illiterate and backwoods and eat swamp rats and the like. Power to the people!)

moving on.......We bought MTA a car for her and her Fartypapa to fix up before she turns 16. She is over the moon for her first beater car..LOL. We had hoped to do this with my husbands oldest son but that didn't manifest much to our disappointment.

So for the next year and a half or so she and Fartypapa will fix up the car and ensure it is safe and well maintained. I will ensure it is cute and fun!

MTA started seminary this year. She loves it. More time with teenagers. *le sigh*. For those of you who read this blog but don't really know what seminary is, basically its a religious class that is geared toward highschoolers, it is kind of like a short class that gives teenagers a more involved understanding of their religion.

Also this year Fartypapa and I have decided to join a homeschooling co-op...sort of. MTA and MacGuyver jr. are being enrolled in a leadership history class of sorts. They go once a week for two hours and will get an indepth look at the founding fathers and the constitution. I am not a huge history buff so in regards to history they get exposed to what is in their curriculum and that about covers it. Don't get me wrong, their curriculum is good and I am entirely happy with the level of knowledge they are getting but when my girlfriend invited them to this class I was so excited. See she is practically on fire for History. She will give them a different perspective than my own and will hopefully give them some of her enthusiasim. MacGuyver jr LOVES history. LOVES it. He loves the stories of the past and why people did what they did and how our country came to be. this class is literature based so I am thrilled for him.

Fartypapa got promoted at work and we are thrilled about it. I love the fact that he loves his job. That is so hard to find today. He really does love it and he really likes the company he works for. We are really feeling blessed and thankful.

On a similar note, my daycare kids went back to school. They are such good kids. I sure hope they get to come around again once in awhile.

I think that is all the updates for now. Posting a poem from a fellow blogger tomorrow so be sure to check me out tomorrow.

Also for those of you who followed my cookbook blog, I am sure you noticed that I haven't updated it. It's not because I haven't written any new recipes. It is because I decided to only post recipes that I won't actually put in my cookbook. So eventually I will update it but for now not so much.

Also if you have any recipes you want to share please do so and I will post them in that blog and give you all the credit! I am always looking for new recipes.

Until tomorrow
Take care of you and yours.
Mrs. F.