Sunday, February 1, 2015

A late night and a little peace

A little  time has passed since we first learned about the possible complications regarding our pregnancy and I have begun to notice some things that are unexpected.  Most days I feel a lot of peace.  I did not expect that.  I still have worry don't get me wrong but deep down I have a real sense of peace. 
   Anyone who really knows me, knows that we have been through much in our 20 years of marriage.  I tend to be the one who prepares mentally for anything and does all she can to mitigate damage even before it happens.  As you can probably imagine this has led to times where I worried for no reason and was often left exhausted and while relieved, I often felt hapless as if I was carrying a basket that was useless. 
   This time I don't feel like that.  I feel like I gave my basket away.  I know there is a very real possibility that things may take a heartbreaking turn but yet there is that sense of peace.  I often look back at my life so far and think about how I never saw this life coming.  I always wanted to be a mom and marry someone who truly loved me but I grew up pretty jaded about the likelihood of that happening.  So to sit here surrounded by blessings that are so plentiful that I can't even number them is humbling to say the least. 
   Another unexpected thing that announcing the journey we are currently on has brought is the people.  People have come together to show us love and support and their love is loud.  I did not expect that.  I told my daughter a couple of days ago that no matter the outcome this baby is already here.  Real and loved. Not just by us but by those around us who are praying and showing their love for us.  I also told her that this baby doesn't feel like just our baby.  It feels like everyone's baby.  I know that is an odd statement but there it is. 
   I have also noticed how some voices are oddly silent.  Maybe they don't know what to say.  Maybe they don't want to say anything.  Maybe what they want to say wouldn't be well received.  I have reflected on all of these things and I have come to the conclusion that whatever the reason it is all OK.  Generally speaking we would not have told anyone we were pregnant for a few more weeks if not the entire first trimester.  If it were not for the E.R. visits and the fact that we were afraid of what was going to happen , we would not have said anything because with our history of miscarriage, it was a very real possibility.  I stopped telling people when they happened because sometimes well meaning people can say things that hurt so deeply that you carry it with you and it becomes intertwined with your grief. 
   Needless to say, to have all that we are going through "out there"  is unusual for us.  I tend to only tell a very few people what is going on with our family and most others get a very abridged and sanitized version if anything at all, not because we don't want others to know us.  We just don't tend to share very often. 
  I started blogging again because my husband said I needed to document this journey and I agree.  It is therapeutic to talk about what is going on. 
   So here is what we are looking at in the next few weeks.  I have to find a doctor and get another blood test as well as another ultrasound to determine where baby is and if my HCG levels are still rising normally.  If baby is in the womb like it should be then we well see the doc again in a month I would assume unless the doc determines I need to be seen more often.  If baby is not where it should be then it will set into motion a whole different set of circumstances that we will have to navigate.  We are spending each day as if everything is fine and enjoying the idea of a new little one again.
 I think one of the things I am most looking forward to is seeing my mom with the new baby.  She didn't get much chance to bond with our kids as babies but she did plenty of bonding as they got older! I hope I get to watch that relationship develop.  Especially since I am older and I feel like my eyes are open now. 
  So here is to hope and peace.  I quite like their presence.
Take care
Mrs. Flabby

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Journey so far.

Once again I restart my blog with the intention to detail our life but invariably it gets put to the wayside in favor of said life.  Here we go again.

     A little over two weeks ago we discovered after 11 years we are pregnant.  Our youngest will be 11 in February and needless to say this was a shock.  The story goes we tried for many years after our youngest to have another baby and we had 2 miscarriages one of which was a second trimester miscarriage.  Four years went by in total before we decided we were likely done.  It was such a hard thing to get over for me and I can't say I ever truly healed but you do go on and I focused on what a blessed life I have.  It gets better.  Fast forward another four or so years and two weeks ago I was feeling really sick and had been for several days.  Darling hubby being on the ball like he always is decided to bring home a pregnancy test and said take it when you want to.  I rolled my eyes and said yeah ok.  I knew I couldn't be pregnant I mean who gets pregnant after so many years of trying.  Ha!  turns out TONS of people.  Turns out ME!
       As the shock set in and the sound in the room evaporated I just stared at the test that took FAR too quickly to declare positive.  Seconds.  Literally.  I realize my phone is going off and it is darling hubby asking if I had taken the test.  How did he know?!  I ignore the phone because this is my last chance to announce pregnant to my sweet husband and for once I would like to do it in a cute and clever way.  He texts again.  I ignore it again.  A little time passes and I think the dog has let go of the bone.  Nope.  He texts again and I know I can't ignore him. 

"did you take the test??!!" 
......I have nothing clever and after all that has happened I cannot even remember what I said to him.  All I know is that I had to tell him because he was clearly anxious.  I didn't want to make him suffer so I said that I was and the joy began from there.  His joy allowed me to find mine.  We were thrilled.  Scared but thrilled. 

Fast forward again two weeks and I began to have severe pelvic pain concentrated on the right side and after having so many children you know the signs to look for in regards to danger in pregnancy.  My mind said we may have a problem.  To the ER we went and after a blood test and an ultrasound they initial diagnoses was indeed and ectopic pregnancy but not a tubal pregnancy.  The baby could not be found in the womb and that left the only other option of a baby outside.  The ultrasound showed a couple little abnormal things but they were nothing to fear so we didn't.  We were devastated.  They told us to come back in 48 hours to do another blood test and ultrasound.  The reason being, they needed to measure the pregnancy hormone to see if baby was growing or not.  They also wanted to recheck the ultrasound to see if they could see anything yet. 

Yesterday we went back to the E.R. prepared for the heartbreak of being told how this needed to be handled.  They got us right in and then we waited.  The doctor who was an angel, came in with the results after quite some time and she said :

" Ok, so we rechecked everything and you are very definitely pregnant but we still see nothing in the womb but we also see nothing any place else.  We rechecked the two abnormal things and before the radiologist thought the baby might have implanted on the outside of the uterine wall but today they determined that it was indeed just a small fibroid and nothing to worry about at all.  They did see a cyst on the right ovary but again the radiologist is confident that it is a simple cyst and again nothing worrisome.  So....*long pause*  here is what I think we may be looking at.  It is possible you have an ectopic pregnancy but there is no evidence of that on anything that we have seen right now.  It is possible it will show up in a couple of weeks and then we will obviously have to deal with it then BUT and here is the thing.  I think it is just as likely that you are in the very early stages of pregnancy and this early we wouldn't see anything in the uterus anyway.  I think your pain last time is unrelated and so now here are your pregnancy hormone numbers. " 

She showed us that in fact my numbers had increased and were in line with a pregnancy about 2-3 weeks along.  She said that she sees no indication that this isn't a just a very early healthy pregnancy.  She did caution us that it still could be what they initially thought but she really has no indication of that at this time.  So now you know all that we do and in 2 weeks when I find a OB we will have more tests done and hopefully be able to see something. 

We are operating on the idea that joy is a precious thing and we are going to embrace it until such a time as we are told that something else is going on.  We have been so blessed by our friends and family and their support and love and hopefully in the end this will result in a little baby Lofgreen and all of this will just be a story for the baby book.  We will keep everyone informed as things progress and thank you so very much for your love and support and prayers.  They are much needed as things are still so uncertain but you know what in life is certain?  Not much.  We are so grateful and overjoyed for this chance to expand our family as we so wanted.  Whatever happens that will never change.
all our love
The Lofgreens