Sunday, February 1, 2015

A late night and a little peace

A little  time has passed since we first learned about the possible complications regarding our pregnancy and I have begun to notice some things that are unexpected.  Most days I feel a lot of peace.  I did not expect that.  I still have worry don't get me wrong but deep down I have a real sense of peace. 
   Anyone who really knows me, knows that we have been through much in our 20 years of marriage.  I tend to be the one who prepares mentally for anything and does all she can to mitigate damage even before it happens.  As you can probably imagine this has led to times where I worried for no reason and was often left exhausted and while relieved, I often felt hapless as if I was carrying a basket that was useless. 
   This time I don't feel like that.  I feel like I gave my basket away.  I know there is a very real possibility that things may take a heartbreaking turn but yet there is that sense of peace.  I often look back at my life so far and think about how I never saw this life coming.  I always wanted to be a mom and marry someone who truly loved me but I grew up pretty jaded about the likelihood of that happening.  So to sit here surrounded by blessings that are so plentiful that I can't even number them is humbling to say the least. 
   Another unexpected thing that announcing the journey we are currently on has brought is the people.  People have come together to show us love and support and their love is loud.  I did not expect that.  I told my daughter a couple of days ago that no matter the outcome this baby is already here.  Real and loved. Not just by us but by those around us who are praying and showing their love for us.  I also told her that this baby doesn't feel like just our baby.  It feels like everyone's baby.  I know that is an odd statement but there it is. 
   I have also noticed how some voices are oddly silent.  Maybe they don't know what to say.  Maybe they don't want to say anything.  Maybe what they want to say wouldn't be well received.  I have reflected on all of these things and I have come to the conclusion that whatever the reason it is all OK.  Generally speaking we would not have told anyone we were pregnant for a few more weeks if not the entire first trimester.  If it were not for the E.R. visits and the fact that we were afraid of what was going to happen , we would not have said anything because with our history of miscarriage, it was a very real possibility.  I stopped telling people when they happened because sometimes well meaning people can say things that hurt so deeply that you carry it with you and it becomes intertwined with your grief. 
   Needless to say, to have all that we are going through "out there"  is unusual for us.  I tend to only tell a very few people what is going on with our family and most others get a very abridged and sanitized version if anything at all, not because we don't want others to know us.  We just don't tend to share very often. 
  I started blogging again because my husband said I needed to document this journey and I agree.  It is therapeutic to talk about what is going on. 
   So here is what we are looking at in the next few weeks.  I have to find a doctor and get another blood test as well as another ultrasound to determine where baby is and if my HCG levels are still rising normally.  If baby is in the womb like it should be then we well see the doc again in a month I would assume unless the doc determines I need to be seen more often.  If baby is not where it should be then it will set into motion a whole different set of circumstances that we will have to navigate.  We are spending each day as if everything is fine and enjoying the idea of a new little one again.
 I think one of the things I am most looking forward to is seeing my mom with the new baby.  She didn't get much chance to bond with our kids as babies but she did plenty of bonding as they got older! I hope I get to watch that relationship develop.  Especially since I am older and I feel like my eyes are open now. 
  So here is to hope and peace.  I quite like their presence.
Take care
Mrs. Flabby

Monday, January 26, 2015

The Journey so far.

Once again I restart my blog with the intention to detail our life but invariably it gets put to the wayside in favor of said life.  Here we go again.

     A little over two weeks ago we discovered after 11 years we are pregnant.  Our youngest will be 11 in February and needless to say this was a shock.  The story goes we tried for many years after our youngest to have another baby and we had 2 miscarriages one of which was a second trimester miscarriage.  Four years went by in total before we decided we were likely done.  It was such a hard thing to get over for me and I can't say I ever truly healed but you do go on and I focused on what a blessed life I have.  It gets better.  Fast forward another four or so years and two weeks ago I was feeling really sick and had been for several days.  Darling hubby being on the ball like he always is decided to bring home a pregnancy test and said take it when you want to.  I rolled my eyes and said yeah ok.  I knew I couldn't be pregnant I mean who gets pregnant after so many years of trying.  Ha!  turns out TONS of people.  Turns out ME!
       As the shock set in and the sound in the room evaporated I just stared at the test that took FAR too quickly to declare positive.  Seconds.  Literally.  I realize my phone is going off and it is darling hubby asking if I had taken the test.  How did he know?!  I ignore the phone because this is my last chance to announce pregnant to my sweet husband and for once I would like to do it in a cute and clever way.  He texts again.  I ignore it again.  A little time passes and I think the dog has let go of the bone.  Nope.  He texts again and I know I can't ignore him. 

"did you take the test??!!" 
......I have nothing clever and after all that has happened I cannot even remember what I said to him.  All I know is that I had to tell him because he was clearly anxious.  I didn't want to make him suffer so I said that I was and the joy began from there.  His joy allowed me to find mine.  We were thrilled.  Scared but thrilled. 

Fast forward again two weeks and I began to have severe pelvic pain concentrated on the right side and after having so many children you know the signs to look for in regards to danger in pregnancy.  My mind said we may have a problem.  To the ER we went and after a blood test and an ultrasound they initial diagnoses was indeed and ectopic pregnancy but not a tubal pregnancy.  The baby could not be found in the womb and that left the only other option of a baby outside.  The ultrasound showed a couple little abnormal things but they were nothing to fear so we didn't.  We were devastated.  They told us to come back in 48 hours to do another blood test and ultrasound.  The reason being, they needed to measure the pregnancy hormone to see if baby was growing or not.  They also wanted to recheck the ultrasound to see if they could see anything yet. 

Yesterday we went back to the E.R. prepared for the heartbreak of being told how this needed to be handled.  They got us right in and then we waited.  The doctor who was an angel, came in with the results after quite some time and she said :

" Ok, so we rechecked everything and you are very definitely pregnant but we still see nothing in the womb but we also see nothing any place else.  We rechecked the two abnormal things and before the radiologist thought the baby might have implanted on the outside of the uterine wall but today they determined that it was indeed just a small fibroid and nothing to worry about at all.  They did see a cyst on the right ovary but again the radiologist is confident that it is a simple cyst and again nothing worrisome.  So....*long pause*  here is what I think we may be looking at.  It is possible you have an ectopic pregnancy but there is no evidence of that on anything that we have seen right now.  It is possible it will show up in a couple of weeks and then we will obviously have to deal with it then BUT and here is the thing.  I think it is just as likely that you are in the very early stages of pregnancy and this early we wouldn't see anything in the uterus anyway.  I think your pain last time is unrelated and so now here are your pregnancy hormone numbers. " 

She showed us that in fact my numbers had increased and were in line with a pregnancy about 2-3 weeks along.  She said that she sees no indication that this isn't a just a very early healthy pregnancy.  She did caution us that it still could be what they initially thought but she really has no indication of that at this time.  So now you know all that we do and in 2 weeks when I find a OB we will have more tests done and hopefully be able to see something. 

We are operating on the idea that joy is a precious thing and we are going to embrace it until such a time as we are told that something else is going on.  We have been so blessed by our friends and family and their support and love and hopefully in the end this will result in a little baby Lofgreen and all of this will just be a story for the baby book.  We will keep everyone informed as things progress and thank you so very much for your love and support and prayers.  They are much needed as things are still so uncertain but you know what in life is certain?  Not much.  We are so grateful and overjoyed for this chance to expand our family as we so wanted.  Whatever happens that will never change.
all our love
The Lofgreens

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Knock Knock Kna Knock Knock.

To my brother,

Do you wanna build a snowman?


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sick, Sad and Disappointed

Well I finally got this stupid virus and I got it so well that I may have to see a Doc if my fever goes up another point. I am writing this during my one hour of lucidity, the rest of the time I have been chattering in bed and wishing it was a week from now. It seems we get this bout of illness around the same time each year and our whole family gets it and it lingers. No amount of quarantine or sanitizing keeps it at bay. Everyone gets it and then we get the follow up virus. For the record this year the second virus is worse than the original. In essence we are sick for 2 months or more and then we do ok for the rest of the year. A kid may get the odd virus but it doesnt keep them down much and usually not everyone gets it. Huzzah!

That pretty much sums up the sick part. Onto the sadness. Having callings in the church is not always easy and generally they are worth it but it kills me to see someone I love being wished to fail. Sometimes I think people forget that we are supposed to be a ward family and try to think the best of eachother instead of assume the worst. How come that is so hard for some people to do? I won't go into details except to say that my heart hurts for my loved one because I know they are trying but it is so hard to succeed when some people around you just really want you to fail so they can have back whatever they feel they have lost when someone else gets the calling.

I am so sad.
Disappointed that I cannot fix what is going on or help my loved one to feel good about their calling. Especially when I can't say I support the program as it is and have removed one of my children from it months ago. I understand how my loved one feels. It is so hard to want to be a part of something that you feel has been overtaken by some people who are overzealous and have run not just my family out of the program but others too. I literally sat with a sister as she cried over her calling in this program as she detailed how she felt unwelcome and like a usurper and treated as if she was inept and wrong at every turn. How can people grow in their calling and in the spirit if they feel such a strong opposition to everything they are trying to do?

I am disappointed that it seems this program has deviated from being youth led . I won't say more because I just needed to vent, my heart is heavy and being sick I am sure makes it worse. I just hope my loved one knows how much I love them and support them.

I don't think the answer is to throw in the towel and take our remaining children out of the program but sometimes that is really what we want to do. It's so hard.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Updates and gratitude!

It seems I am always apologizing for not blogging more so why break with tradition right?

Sorry I haven't been around lately. We have had some technical difficulties with our net provider and I have been really busy with life in general.

I promised a few posts ago to give updates on the entire fam so I intend to do that now since I am so remiss and have put it off far too long.

Superman ( our youngest) has had an eventful few months. He has lost 4 teeth, two naturally and 2 by virtue of horseplay. He has discovered the art of humor and let me tell you he is a quick wit. Who knew a 6 year old could make you laugh until your sides split?
Superman has also discovered that being the youngest has certain perks. He has learned that if he pretends to cry and loudly, his older siblings will do almost anything to get him to stop. Ahh manipulation.
Superman has learned to use a computer and is learning to read and write. He has made such progress in even just the last week. It is really amazing to watch him learn.
Superman went on his first family campout and discovered that he loves peeing on trees, hates outhouses, loves firepits and has a special fondness for anyone who gives him hot chocolate before his parents wake up.

Next we have WalkerTR. WalkerTR has had a great couple of months too. He is excited for his new cousins to arrive. He has discovered that he enjoys taking care of little kids and he wants to learn to cook. He is currently plowing through his math book with ease and has discovered a real love for reading. ( WOOHOO!)
WalkerTR also enjoyed the campout but for different reasons. He loves the outdoors and found hiking and exploring to be great fun. He also enjoyed the games one of our friends brought and played them for hours.
Walker TR has a best friend. Big news here in homeschool land. His new BF is a neighbor boy who has either adopted our family or been adopted by us. We can't really decide which. He spends a LOT of time here and has just integrated himself right into our life easy as pie. So he shall now be known as Aloha Dude. More on Aloha Dude later.

This brings us to Sketch. Sketch has been very busy the past few months as well. Sketch has continued his artwork but has also gravitated to cooking and has decided he wants to run a restaurant with me when he gets older. His new favorite show is Man vs Food on the travel channel. He has also discovered a new love for reading but to a lesser extent that his brother.
Sketch had some great experiences at the family campout as well but his favorite moment I think was when he was hiking with some family friends and his brothers, he discovered an old axe head. Further down the path he then discovered a broke axe handle and proceeded to spend the rest of the campout reassembling the axe. He is very proud of his discovery and intends to make it into wall art for his room.
Sketch has moved into his own room. We gave him his own space because we felt he was growing frusterated with sharing with his two youngest brothers. Since he has had his new room he has kept it clean every single day. He gets that from Farty Papa lol.

Next we have Macguyver Jr. Mac Jr has moved into his own room as well and has not been as successful at keeping it clean but he is trying. Mac Jr has enjoyed scouting and is currently working on his next big milestone . He enjoyed the campout and showed his dad and I that he really is a young man. That kid seriously knew more about taught lines, knots , propane stoves and fires than I ever thought possible. He is so smart and the first one to help lift, carry, set up, load, unload. He really made his parents burdens lighter at the campout. I never want to camp without him. EVER.
Mac Jr is trucking right along in his education. He averages a book a day for reading and has determined to have as little help as possible to complete his assignments.
Mac Jr's biggest achievement in the past few months I think has been his transition from young boy to young man. He truly has impressed me and his dad over and over with his willingness to help with the big stuff. It is bittersweet to see my little boy grow up so fast. He is taller than I am now and he is only 13.

MTA has had an eventful few months as well. Between school work, socializing, dances and church activities she is busier than ever. She was called to serve as President of her young womens age group and has been asked to speak at a fireside this month. It is a stake fireside and it is kind of a big deal :)
MTA has had some struggles too, it is hard being a teenage girl and navigating the world of girlfriends but she never ceases to amaze me at how she always trys to be a good person and her ability to forgive is really humbling. Amazing how kids teach us isn't it?
MTA has also gotten her drivers permit. Where did all the time go? My memories of her as a baby are still so vivid. How did she get to be here and how is it that I am not prepared? So now we embark on the driving lessons for the next six months.
Next we have our oldest son who has had some of the biggest milestones . He graduated from high school this past summer and has spent his summer working and hanging out with friends. We still see him every other weekend as per his request. We love that. He just started college and took on a second job so we see him less but that is the nature of a college student. He is working toward moving out on his own . He wants to be in law enforcement and his jobs both have to do with loss prevention for retail chains here in town. He really likes his job and they give him on the job training that is in line with his education. I really admire his dedication to his future to work full time ( 2 jobs) and go to school full time is a really hard life to carve out for himself but if anyone can do it. He can.

Farty Papa has had some of his own milestones at work and he continues to work hard . His office has had record months for three months in a row and they were just upgraded to an A store from a B store. This means they can have more employees and greater earning potential. He enjoys his job and I really like to see him come home from his job tired but content. Farty Papa was tasked with being the 11 yr old scout leader for our church boy scout troop. He is just getting it off the ground but his sons Sketch and Walker TR are thrilled with the idea that their dad is their scout leader.
Farty Papa and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer. We didn't do anything fancy but thats kind of the great thing about being married for so long. Dinner and a nice conversation really go a long way to edifying ones soul. Sure love him.
As for me well a lot has gone on but I want to keep this post about the fam, I can talk about me any time. Next post I will try to recall all that I have been up to.
All my love
Mrs. F

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A new perspective comes a new design

It has been quite some time since my last post and in that time tons has happened that I should have chronicled but I didn't. We have had two deaths in the family, a couple of new babies that are still cooking but will be here soon. ( not me) Our oldest has graduated from high school and is now in college. We have had girls camp, scout camp, Picnics at the park, sleepovers, ER visits, bbqs and the list goes on and on. I have lots of pictures and yet when it comes to putting them on the blog I am totally impaired. I have no clue how to add them. I used to know but it escapes me now.

My brother lost his newborn son recently and while he and I are not close, I feel such an ache for him. We know the pain of losing a child and it is one that somehow never leaves you. It changes but in some ways never dulls like the death of someone who has lived and tasted life. All of your hopes and dreams for that child and what could have been are the reminders that you take with you when you say goodbye. That is a pain that lingers. So I hurt for him and his wife and hope that their ache lessens with time.

A few weeks ago my grandfather passed away. He was the only real father I ever knew. I can remember times with him where he really nurtured my spirit. He encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and to trust myself. He trusted me when no one else did. He loved me like a father when I thought I was never supposed to have a dad. He loved his wife unconditionally and showed me how I should expect to be treated. He worked hard and showed me that there was pride in a job well done and life well lived. He loved totally, partied entirely, hurt privately and supported unconditionally. He never asked for more than he had and gave of himself before having to be asked. He raised a mom for me that is strong, unique, smart and independant. Someone who would teach me those things and allow him to be the example of the kind of man I should look for in my own spouse. I was lucky to have known him, blessed to have loved him and even more blessed to have been loved by him.

He succeeded in teaching me many things but the thing I am most grateful for is he taught me not to settle for less than I deserved. His influence in my life , I attribute to the husband I have and the life I lead. I owe him more than I could ever articulate and my gift to him will be to raise my own children to appreciate all the qualities I loved in him, in their own father.

On a different note we have had a lot of summer fun. We were not able to go away for vacation this year but Farty Papa did have a vacation in which we spent watching movies and letting him get some much needed rest. He spent time with the kids and it was the first time in a long time that he was able to just BE and not feel the pressures of life.

I will give specific updates on all of the children later but generally speaking we have had a good summer. We have spent it with dear friends and family doing all the summer activities we love. There is never enough time to do everything we want to do but we sure tried .

On one such summer night Superman had a friend sleep over and during a bit of rough housing he knocked his front teeth out on the wooden frame of a fouton. Much weeping and wailing was heard across the land as Farty Papa and I embarked on an ER trip to see if he was ok and to ensure he lost none of his super powers along with his teeth. The doctor was unconcerned and said to Superman to make sure to get a lot of loot from the tooth fairy. So I carried his teeth home and we waited for the tooth fairy and all was well in the land. Except that I was ill prepared to have to present my sons front teeth to the doctor. Even still it makes me a little sad. Somehow he looks so much more grown up now.

I hope to be updating on a more regular basis now and adding pictures as well.
until next time
Mrs. Flabby

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Trials and faith.

Currently we are going through a struggle. I am trying to remain positive because to be fair, we don't have near the struggles we used to have. This is due in part to a really wonderful support system we have in friends and family and also due to my husband being employed after a long time period where he was unable to find work.

Over the years we have had many struggles of all kinds but mostly of a financial nature. We still struggle financially, as do many families in this economy. I oddly feel blessed that the struggles we have , while serious and important and can be devastating, they aren't life and death. I have healthy children thank heavens. I have a loving husband whom continues to work hard with me to make sure our marriage is strong. Illness and family issues would seem to me to be insurmountable and I am unsure how I would manage those trials. I feel very blessed to have the trials I have. I know that sounds ridiculous. Who feels blessed to have trials?

I suppose I just feel blessed because they are trials I know. Struggles I am familiar with and honestly they are not as severe as they used to be. It doesn't seem to get easier to handle these trials but they seem farther apart in occurence. To me that is progress by golly!
In this past month we have had both of our vehicles break down. A flub with our bank account that led to us having to eat hundreds of dollars thanks to the lovely bank we have. I lost my tutoring job due to them not having the money to pay for the lessons anymore. Things just continue to compile. Like most families now , we live paycheck to paycheck. If several hundred dollars has to be used to fix cars or gets eaten by the bank, we feel that for a very very long time and suddenly we have the snowball effect. Does anyone else experience this? You have one problem that creates another and then another. Suddenly you are faced with a crisis that reminds you how very close you are to being in a place you never saw yourself.
A couple of years ago I would have really struggled making sense of it all but lately I really feel like these are opportunities for my faith to be strengthened. It is easy to say you have faith when things are good. When they are easy but when things are bad and your faith is tested, those are the moments when you know your mettle. When you know what you need to work on. I am listening extra close right now to try and hear what I am supposed to learn.

I know I have things I need to work on to become who I want to be, we all have things that we know we need to change. So moments like this when I feel unhappy about a trial I am facing, I am going to focus on what I can change in me and then who I can serve outside myself. Serving others has always been a great way to feel better. Not better in the way some think. Some people think others serve because they are greedy and are trying to garner blessings for themselves, I have heard people say that others serve so they can feel better about their station in life. AKA They give to others so they can feel good about their wealth. I think those are foolish ideas and I have never met a person who has served my family in any capacity that I felt was serving me so they could show off their wealth. I just don't think people do that.

I serve others because it makes me take the focus off of myself and feeling sorry for myself and focus on someone else. Someone who may or may not be worse off than me but in the end I need to serve others because always looking inward prevents you from growing your life outward. So I am trusting that this situation will get itself taken care of or we will be presented with a way to remedy our situation and turn my focus onto people outside of me that perhaps in some small way I can serve.
I feel better for just putting this down .
talk more later
Mrs. F.