Late night musings and a little bit of snuggles.

As Halloween approaches I have found I have less and less time to write. One thing I have realized however is that no matter how little time I have or how many things are rattling around in my head or how many things I have to do , I have a constant stream of recipes I am writing in my mind. Ever since I decided I was going to write a cookbook, my mind has gone into overdrive. I have so many ideas and thoughts going through my mind that I find that I go to sleep thinking about recipes and wake up doing the same. It's like even while I slept it continued. It is very wearing.

I keep thinking some day I would love to have a little chichi shop where I sell handmade creations or run a catering company but the more I research it the more it feels like a unreachable dream. Your talking about a woman who never went to college, never had any formal business training. Everything I know is self taught. All I know is I love to cook and bake. I love every aspect of the culinary arts. I love candy making. Working with chocolate is so fun. Also it has all come really easy to me. Any recipe I have tried. Or created has always been something I thought was really good but more importantly, everyone I had try it felt the same. Somehow I feel I have a knack but I really don't think I will ever really be able to make anything of this particular love. I want to be a caterer. I love the whole idea of providing a custom experience , doing something I love.

It's funny how dreams develop. I could never have seen this being my dream when I was 16. Or even 18. However as I have gotten older and learned to feed my family on several levels, it became something I just really felt I was good at. I never anticipated actually being so much like the other women in my family. What I mean is that between my grandmother and my mother I did not have a typical food experience growing up. There was no fast food, boxed meals or even "normal" meals. My grandmother made elaborate and stunning meals whenever I came to her house and she cooked that way all her life. When my friends were eating rice a roni and chicken , my mom was making sticky bones and noodles. Or we would have fruit and cheese and crusty bread for dinner. I could recount endless moments where I was intruduced to things my friends had never heard much less had eaten. Food for my family wasn't about eating or even about the food itself. It was about people who loved you preparing something to feed your body and your soul.

The women in my life did that. I presume that is why I have such a love of this kind of work. DM lets me help with some of the food at her christmas eve party she holds every year. I should clarify a little because it sounds as if this has been a long standing tradition but in truth this is the second year. I think she lets me help because she knows I like to but not necessarily because of any particular skill or aptitude I have. I think honestly she would rather do it herself. *giggle* I like helping cater her get togethers because it gives me experience in real time application of my recipes as well as being able to judge portions and quantity. Judging quantity is the hardest for me. I tend to make far too much food compared to what is actually consumed.

I have no idea why this post is all about my catering dream..lol. Perhaps it is just that I am tired and I haven't been sleeping well. Ah well enough of that. Onto much more fun topics.

Superman. He is such sweet , spontaneously affectionate yet outspoken and independant person. Since the time he was born he has been a snuggler. He loves to crawl in my bed and lay his head on my shoulder and curl his tiny body right up next to mine. He will just lay there. He doesn't need the T.V. or a book or any outside distraction. He just likes to lay there. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up to him next to me, wide awake but just snuggling next to me. The purpose of my telling you all of this is because he has a pattern now. He waits until he determines that I am getting ready for bed and he hops in bed ( we call it monkey in the middle) He announces to me and FP " I wanna sssssnuggle! "
That is my cue to say " you do?" Then in a softer more cajoling tone he says " Yes I wanna snuggle with you " Then it's my turn to get into bed and give him my shoulder , roll to face him and put my arm around him. He puts his thumb in his mouth, closes his eyes and sighs. Its a soft sound of contentment that I can only liken to that sound a baby makes after they have finished nursing and they have nodded off. Its that sound they make just after they seperate from you , like they don't want you to go away but they are so happy and sleepy that all they can muster as a protest is a sweet little sigh. This is our routine. This routine can take place at any time of day but most often right before bed.

Someday I am going to miss that. Someday I will read this and it might make me sad for want of the past. I wonder if any other mothers have these moments where they reflect and say someday I am going to ache with missing that. Or am I just a pathetic, sappy excuse for a mom?

There is no real point to this post and it is fairly random and bounces around a bit but that comes with being unfabulous I guess.
More later.
Mrs. F