Monday, September 7, 2009

A moment of reflection

I received an email a few days ago that is not unlike several FartyPapa and I have received over the years from this person. It was angry, distorted, bitter and mean. More than that it was really reflective of this persons distorted view of their own life and what they perceive mine to be. I won't be going into detail because this person and the email are not really what I want to write about.

I want to write about how negative people, enemies, whatever you want to call them, (non friends) have in the past really played a part in what I thought about myself. I allowed people who found no merit in anything to do with me (sometimes it included my children, I presume the thinking was that if they came from me they had to be in some way bad.) to determine on some level my self worth. As you can imagine it was very damaging.

However over the years I began to notice that these people bothered me less and less, especially after the fire. I began to look at these people as desprately unhappy people, people who needed someone to blame for whatever they needed too. I began to see them as individuals who found no true happiness and peace in their own skin and it is far easier to blame others for your own shortcomings and failures than to step up and admit your role in your own life. Once this transformation in my thinking happened I found that I began to believe the circles around me who knew me, saw me. Truly saw me. I began to believe them when they would speak kindly of me.

Fast forward to today. Today I have tried very hard to prevent toxic people from entering my life, but sometimes you don't have a choice regarding who is in your life. Today I look back on my life, looking for some validity in the harsh words from the email. Where did these things come from? Like everyone I know, I am not perfect. I learned how to be a wife and mother by doing. No one taught me. I learned how to be a friend by doing, there was no manual. I have made mistakes like anyone , typical things we all do and as much as I try I cannot own their criticism. It isn't who I am. Once again I am faced with an individual who needs to blame me for their own shortcomings and failures. Their need to blame me really has given me a realization that was unexpected. Welcomed but unexpected.

I realized that for this individual to have such animosity toward me, I really must be doing pretty good. To be so vilified by someone whom you share no value, standards or morals with. Not a single thing in common in how you live your life, who you are. It must mean only one thing. I am living my life right and in accordance with who I want to be. Who I should be. I am raising my children with love, empathy, understanding, a hard work ethic and most of all an understanding of who they are and why they are in this world.
I think that is pretty darn good. I think that is something to be proud of. I think that pretty much trumps anyone elses negative view of me as a human being.

Yea it's good to be me. It is good to have the family I do.
Today is a good day.
Until next time
Mrs. F

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