I love cooking

I just posted a tidbit about a new recipe I created on my Foodie Flabulosity blog.

I wouldn't say that I am a very creative person per se but when it comes to food I think I very well might be creative!

I had the BEST lunch. It stemmed from over cooked rice. I turned overcooked rice into creamy risotto cakes with shredded chicken, cheese and sour cream in them.

The result were crispy golden cakes fried in butter that were creamy and seemed really indulgent.

My daughter and I came up with this , when our rice cooker decided to have a stroke and over cook the rice. A first for this cooker.

The first batch MTA fried up were a little loose and flat. They tasted great mind you but they just didn't look very good. So we determined that if we chilled the mixture for a bit, we could fry them better and they would hold their shape.

I love creating new recipes. I wish my kitchen was a better work space so that more than once person could be in there at a time but nothing to be done about that . That takes money we just don't have.

I find myself sitting in front of my laptop often and just brainstorming ideas for recipes. Reading online recipes and cookbooks for inspiration etc. It's funny, after the fire I thought I would never want to cook again. My family was actually worried about it. Slowly I got back into the swing of things, for some things it was very slow. I seemed to want to try new things after the fire and leave all our family favorites tucked away.

It is interesting to me how food is such a part of our memories and experiences. Those beloved family recipes that my kids clamored for were painful for me. It took me to a place that I wanted to forget. Just move on I told myself. Keep plugging away. Don't stop for a moment to think because if you do.....I knew I would have to face how horrific the fire was for our family.

I try not to talk about it anymore. The kids mention it but it has become a footnote in what has turned out to be a pretty great transformation of our life. Thanks to a ton of people who cared for us when we couldn't muster the strength to be strong for one more day.
Sometimes though , something as silly and significant as creating a new recipe with my kids, brings those memories back. They are bittersweet now and don't carry as much pain as they used to. It would be easy to sweep it all aside and say flippantly " we only lost belongings and a couple of pets" smile emptily and follow it with" We have eachother"

It is true we have eachother. We were so very blessed to have no one hurt in the fire. Having seen my brother hurt badly in a housefire when I was a kid. I have a clear understanding of what can happen and how very very blessed we were to be able to hug eachother after the fire and every single one of us , in perfect health. That is the single greatest blessing.

However, our lives are made of up so many things that we take for granted. Every parent knows their childrens favorite things. The things that soothe them when they are fussy or scared. We as families know our pets are huge parts of our lives and they imprint on our children as litter mates and treat our babies like they were their own.

We all have things we treasure and become such a part of who we are that we cannot think of parting with them. Attatchment is human nature.

I don't know why I am going on about this today. Maybe I am feeling triumphant and sad at the same time. Who knows.

All I know is there is a memory after the fire. A couple of nights after the fire. That haunts me. I try to never entertain it. Never allow it to settle into my thoughts. I try very hard to replace that memory with something else, anything else. To no avail.

I should share it here and maybe by speaking about it I can finally leave it all be but somehow I know that this instance, this fire, this...happening. Will live on. It has to. It is part of our family history. It has molded us into who we are and our children as well. They remember. They , as most kids ,are open and relaxed about their memories. They talk about it. What they hated, what they are thankful for, what they wish they had back. What they wished mom and dad still had. The difference between them and me is when they talk about it, its only sad for a moment and then they let go. DM could tell you that letting go for me is very hard.

Sometimes I just can't let something go even when it hurts. Most days I am fine but some days are like today. A really great moment with me and my daughter is shadowed by memories of what once was. How she and her brothers once spilled a five lb bag of flour all over the kitchen and surfed in it until I got out of the shower. Belly surfed. The memory is a funny and sweet memory but it gives way to seeing that kitchen after the fire. It's hard to explain. I can still smell the smoke.

The memory I referred to was the night of the fire, our family crammed into a one room motel room. Two beds and a tv. It was a truckers motel. It was dark and Superman was crying that he wanted his Bibo ( His stuffed panda bear he loved). Then MacGuyver jr was heard softly weeping as he said " I miss Roxxy" (our chihuahua that was badly injured in the fire and later passed away) Sketch and Walker TR began to weep as well though they wouldn't speak. MTA trying to be brave said to Superman ( He was 2) " you can have my bear " her voice was quivering and it was her only belonging in the entire world ( gift from the red cross ). There we all were in the dark. The kids on one bed and Farty Papa and I on the other. Everyone weeping. Farty Papa got up and one by one brought each child into the full size bed that we shared. We all cried and snuggled together in the dark. I have never felt more helpless to comfort and help my children with their sadness.

Their comfort was gone. All they knew and treasured. I feared their childhood was gone in one moment. It was a very very bad night. It still makes me cry.

Now let me say that my children are happy and healthy kids and the fire is just a memory for them. They have a lovely childhood and speak often about the good memories they had in our old house. They have created brand new ones in our new house. All is well.

I just never want to go back to that place again. I never want to know that heartache for my children's hearts. If that makes sense.
Yet when I look back now, in this moment, I can remember clearly that they kids tears quieted down quickly and then they slept. FartyPapa and I didn't sleep much for what seemed like months. Looking back I can see that all we needed was eachother for comfort .

Thank the heavens we had eachother.

Sorry for the rambling post. I am unsure why I felt the need to share. Perhaps someone out there needs to read something I wrote.
Sometimes I think I should write a book. Then I remember that I have a gaggle of kids and likely not enough brain cells left to put down a coherent thought.

So whatever comes to me goes here for good or bad. Take it for what you will.

Feeling very blessed and bittersweet.
Mrs. F.