Monday, September 7, 2009

A Life Worthwhile

Yesterday as Fartypapa went through pages of his old highschool mates on facebook and detailing their jobs and accomplishments. I began to feel a little wanting. As if my life hasn't really amounted to much. I am just a mom .

I made a comment to Farty Papa that was in my mind just a passing thought and one I didn't really think about before I said.

I said " This makes me feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life you know?"

His response gave me pause " I don't count huh?"

Ouch.

It wasn't what I meant when I said that but how else was he to take that? Yea I know...It got me thinking.

Which in truth is the real reason for this post I suppose.
I didn't go to college though I wanted to. Badly.
I don't have a career though I thought I wanted one before I got married.
I don't have fancy cars, houses, boats though they would be nice.
I don't take exotic vacations , I didn't even get a honeymoon.
I don't have much in the way of financial success and trappings.

These things are great if you have them. I do not begrudge anyone who has one or all of these things. However these are not the things that have made me laugh until my sides ache. Given me peace when the world caved in around me. Comforted me when I cried. Encouraged me when I had no courage left. The trappings of the world didn't give me joy when my children were born. My family has done this.

When I got married and saw my new son coming down the aisle swinging the ring pillow , the trappings were not what made my heart swell with such pure love and hope for him and his future. How lucky I felt that I had two men in my life that I could call my own. No trappings and worldly successes can overshadow or even compare with how totally blessed and excited I was to start this new life with them.

To say I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life is to totally negate the last 15 years of my life. I am so embarassed that it even escaped my mouth. Those that know me though may not be surprised. lol.

The culmination of my life so far can only be described as being of infinite worth. I have six beautiful children whom I love dearly. I hope someday every single one of them will know that without question. I have an extended family whom has shown time and again that they love me and remind me in little ways and sometimes gigantic ways. I have a mother who despite being given every reason to fail and every hardship given to single mothers, and more, raised me the best she knew how and encouraged me to dream even though there was little she was able to do to help me achieve them. Even though her dream was cut short by my very existence.

You may be wondering why I didn't address Fartypapa first. There is a reason for that. There is so much to say in regards to him that in truth , I needed to unclutter my mind by putting down the previous blessings so that I can articulate what I wanted to say.

How do you determine the worth of the one relationship that makes having all your other relationships possible?
How do you express your love and gratitude for someone who has spent the better part of 15 years trying to make your dreams come true?
How do you express how worthwhile someone is to you, who gave you six amazing children?
How do you express your unadulterated awe of someone who has spent his life being the good guy?
Being the one who teaches you more about yourself and who you want to be than any other single person you have ever met? Or will meet?
How do you express the peace you feel to the person who patiently and lovingly showed you the path to what will ultimately make you see the value of yourself?
How do you ever repay or even articulate these feelings?
How do you express how safe you feel with the one person who has never broken your heart?
I still don't know.
It is weak at best to say I love you. It doesn't begin to cover all that is in my heart to say the very thought of you and our life together , reminds me that the infinite worth of my life begins with you and will end with you when we are old and grey. The best thing I ever did was marry you.
So in case you were still wondering. Yes you count. You count infinity times 100.
with all the love I can muster.
Mrs. F.


A moment of reflection

I received an email a few days ago that is not unlike several FartyPapa and I have received over the years from this person. It was angry, distorted, bitter and mean. More than that it was really reflective of this persons distorted view of their own life and what they perceive mine to be. I won't be going into detail because this person and the email are not really what I want to write about.

I want to write about how negative people, enemies, whatever you want to call them, (non friends) have in the past really played a part in what I thought about myself. I allowed people who found no merit in anything to do with me (sometimes it included my children, I presume the thinking was that if they came from me they had to be in some way bad.) to determine on some level my self worth. As you can imagine it was very damaging.

However over the years I began to notice that these people bothered me less and less, especially after the fire. I began to look at these people as desprately unhappy people, people who needed someone to blame for whatever they needed too. I began to see them as individuals who found no true happiness and peace in their own skin and it is far easier to blame others for your own shortcomings and failures than to step up and admit your role in your own life. Once this transformation in my thinking happened I found that I began to believe the circles around me who knew me, saw me. Truly saw me. I began to believe them when they would speak kindly of me.

Fast forward to today. Today I have tried very hard to prevent toxic people from entering my life, but sometimes you don't have a choice regarding who is in your life. Today I look back on my life, looking for some validity in the harsh words from the email. Where did these things come from? Like everyone I know, I am not perfect. I learned how to be a wife and mother by doing. No one taught me. I learned how to be a friend by doing, there was no manual. I have made mistakes like anyone , typical things we all do and as much as I try I cannot own their criticism. It isn't who I am. Once again I am faced with an individual who needs to blame me for their own shortcomings and failures. Their need to blame me really has given me a realization that was unexpected. Welcomed but unexpected.

I realized that for this individual to have such animosity toward me, I really must be doing pretty good. To be so vilified by someone whom you share no value, standards or morals with. Not a single thing in common in how you live your life, who you are. It must mean only one thing. I am living my life right and in accordance with who I want to be. Who I should be. I am raising my children with love, empathy, understanding, a hard work ethic and most of all an understanding of who they are and why they are in this world.
I think that is pretty darn good. I think that is something to be proud of. I think that pretty much trumps anyone elses negative view of me as a human being.

Yea it's good to be me. It is good to have the family I do.
Today is a good day.
Until next time
Mrs. F

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The poem I promised

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get upafter the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer


This is the the poem I promised a couple of days ago. I didn't post it yesterday because I posted that bohemoth ( I have no idea how to spell that word. That is not normal ) of a post yesterday and I figured that was long enough to make anyone read. I really wanted this to have a place of it's own.
I got it from a fellow blogger. I really enjoy her blog. http://www.swissarmywife.net/ Check her out.

I want to talk a bit about this because it feels very real for me. Almost like a deja vu sensation. Like I owned these words as my own.

It is almost like each stanza is a stage of my life. At some point I was that and then I changed into a different stanza. I love that.
Much of this poem I think remains true about myself. Some of it I want back. Some it was time to let go and embrace a new part of myself.
This really touched me. I am so glad she shared this with me.

Can you see yourself? Let me know what you think!
As always
Mrs. F.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I love cooking

I just posted a tidbit about a new recipe I created on my Foodie Flabulosity blog.

I wouldn't say that I am a very creative person per se but when it comes to food I think I very well might be creative!

I had the BEST lunch. It stemmed from over cooked rice. I turned overcooked rice into creamy risotto cakes with shredded chicken, cheese and sour cream in them.

The result were crispy golden cakes fried in butter that were creamy and seemed really indulgent.

My daughter and I came up with this , when our rice cooker decided to have a stroke and over cook the rice. A first for this cooker.

The first batch MTA fried up were a little loose and flat. They tasted great mind you but they just didn't look very good. So we determined that if we chilled the mixture for a bit, we could fry them better and they would hold their shape.

I love creating new recipes. I wish my kitchen was a better work space so that more than once person could be in there at a time but nothing to be done about that . That takes money we just don't have.

I find myself sitting in front of my laptop often and just brainstorming ideas for recipes. Reading online recipes and cookbooks for inspiration etc. It's funny, after the fire I thought I would never want to cook again. My family was actually worried about it. Slowly I got back into the swing of things, for some things it was very slow. I seemed to want to try new things after the fire and leave all our family favorites tucked away.

It is interesting to me how food is such a part of our memories and experiences. Those beloved family recipes that my kids clamored for were painful for me. It took me to a place that I wanted to forget. Just move on I told myself. Keep plugging away. Don't stop for a moment to think because if you do.....I knew I would have to face how horrific the fire was for our family.

I try not to talk about it anymore. The kids mention it but it has become a footnote in what has turned out to be a pretty great transformation of our life. Thanks to a ton of people who cared for us when we couldn't muster the strength to be strong for one more day.
Sometimes though , something as silly and significant as creating a new recipe with my kids, brings those memories back. They are bittersweet now and don't carry as much pain as they used to. It would be easy to sweep it all aside and say flippantly " we only lost belongings and a couple of pets" smile emptily and follow it with" We have eachother"

It is true we have eachother. We were so very blessed to have no one hurt in the fire. Having seen my brother hurt badly in a housefire when I was a kid. I have a clear understanding of what can happen and how very very blessed we were to be able to hug eachother after the fire and every single one of us , in perfect health. That is the single greatest blessing.

However, our lives are made of up so many things that we take for granted. Every parent knows their childrens favorite things. The things that soothe them when they are fussy or scared. We as families know our pets are huge parts of our lives and they imprint on our children as litter mates and treat our babies like they were their own.

We all have things we treasure and become such a part of who we are that we cannot think of parting with them. Attatchment is human nature.

I don't know why I am going on about this today. Maybe I am feeling triumphant and sad at the same time. Who knows.

All I know is there is a memory after the fire. A couple of nights after the fire. That haunts me. I try to never entertain it. Never allow it to settle into my thoughts. I try very hard to replace that memory with something else, anything else. To no avail.

I should share it here and maybe by speaking about it I can finally leave it all be but somehow I know that this instance, this fire, this...happening. Will live on. It has to. It is part of our family history. It has molded us into who we are and our children as well. They remember. They , as most kids ,are open and relaxed about their memories. They talk about it. What they hated, what they are thankful for, what they wish they had back. What they wished mom and dad still had. The difference between them and me is when they talk about it, its only sad for a moment and then they let go. DM could tell you that letting go for me is very hard.

Sometimes I just can't let something go even when it hurts. Most days I am fine but some days are like today. A really great moment with me and my daughter is shadowed by memories of what once was. How she and her brothers once spilled a five lb bag of flour all over the kitchen and surfed in it until I got out of the shower. Belly surfed. The memory is a funny and sweet memory but it gives way to seeing that kitchen after the fire. It's hard to explain. I can still smell the smoke.

The memory I referred to was the night of the fire, our family crammed into a one room motel room. Two beds and a tv. It was a truckers motel. It was dark and Superman was crying that he wanted his Bibo ( His stuffed panda bear he loved). Then MacGuyver jr was heard softly weeping as he said " I miss Roxxy" (our chihuahua that was badly injured in the fire and later passed away) Sketch and Walker TR began to weep as well though they wouldn't speak. MTA trying to be brave said to Superman ( He was 2) " you can have my bear " her voice was quivering and it was her only belonging in the entire world ( gift from the red cross ). There we all were in the dark. The kids on one bed and Farty Papa and I on the other. Everyone weeping. Farty Papa got up and one by one brought each child into the full size bed that we shared. We all cried and snuggled together in the dark. I have never felt more helpless to comfort and help my children with their sadness.

Their comfort was gone. All they knew and treasured. I feared their childhood was gone in one moment. It was a very very bad night. It still makes me cry.

Now let me say that my children are happy and healthy kids and the fire is just a memory for them. They have a lovely childhood and speak often about the good memories they had in our old house. They have created brand new ones in our new house. All is well.

I just never want to go back to that place again. I never want to know that heartache for my children's hearts. If that makes sense.
Yet when I look back now, in this moment, I can remember clearly that they kids tears quieted down quickly and then they slept. FartyPapa and I didn't sleep much for what seemed like months. Looking back I can see that all we needed was eachother for comfort .

Thank the heavens we had eachother.

Sorry for the rambling post. I am unsure why I felt the need to share. Perhaps someone out there needs to read something I wrote.
Sometimes I think I should write a book. Then I remember that I have a gaggle of kids and likely not enough brain cells left to put down a coherent thought.

So whatever comes to me goes here for good or bad. Take it for what you will.

Feeling very blessed and bittersweet.
Mrs. F.



Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Stuff and changes.

So much has happened in the past few weeks. We watched the demise of our pool party and the birth of the trade off. More on that later lest I jinx it by mentioning it.

Oh DM if you are reading this. We need ribs ASAP! Lets get together for dinner soon. I'll bring the hungry tummies and the sides. DM= the rib lady.

We bought a truck that we badly needed. Our poor cars are like that one teacher we all had in school that was wayyyyy past their prime, limping along and hating life. We really needed to get something that we could really depend on. I really love it. I feel like a teenager getting their first car only not MY first car( which had a blown head gasket and I never got to drive it).

Squee! so excited. Thanks to SIL and BIL for letting us buy their truck and for taking such good care of it.

We started back to school a few weeks ago and wow the kids are just doing so well. They are very dedicated and I love seeing Sketch reading so well.

So enters my pet peeve. Handwriting. I cannot stand my childrens handwriting. I have tried and tried to correct it but it is like BURNED into their brains to write like mad doctors.

So do I continue to beat my head against the wall and endure hours and hours of correcting handwriting and complaining from kids who just don't think they should have to write legibly? Or do I throw up the white flag and let them write how they wish and decide I don't care if their handwriting makes them look like illiterate, backwoods hillybilly's on paper?
(no offense to backwoods illiterate hillbillies. I totally support your right to be illiterate and backwoods and eat swamp rats and the like. Power to the people!)

moving on.......We bought MTA a car for her and her Fartypapa to fix up before she turns 16. She is over the moon for her first beater car..LOL. We had hoped to do this with my husbands oldest son but that didn't manifest much to our disappointment.

So for the next year and a half or so she and Fartypapa will fix up the car and ensure it is safe and well maintained. I will ensure it is cute and fun!

MTA started seminary this year. She loves it. More time with teenagers. *le sigh*. For those of you who read this blog but don't really know what seminary is, basically its a religious class that is geared toward highschoolers, it is kind of like a short class that gives teenagers a more involved understanding of their religion.

Also this year Fartypapa and I have decided to join a homeschooling co-op...sort of. MTA and MacGuyver jr. are being enrolled in a leadership history class of sorts. They go once a week for two hours and will get an indepth look at the founding fathers and the constitution. I am not a huge history buff so in regards to history they get exposed to what is in their curriculum and that about covers it. Don't get me wrong, their curriculum is good and I am entirely happy with the level of knowledge they are getting but when my girlfriend invited them to this class I was so excited. See she is practically on fire for History. She will give them a different perspective than my own and will hopefully give them some of her enthusiasim. MacGuyver jr LOVES history. LOVES it. He loves the stories of the past and why people did what they did and how our country came to be. this class is literature based so I am thrilled for him.

Fartypapa got promoted at work and we are thrilled about it. I love the fact that he loves his job. That is so hard to find today. He really does love it and he really likes the company he works for. We are really feeling blessed and thankful.

On a similar note, my daycare kids went back to school. They are such good kids. I sure hope they get to come around again once in awhile.

I think that is all the updates for now. Posting a poem from a fellow blogger tomorrow so be sure to check me out tomorrow.

Also for those of you who followed my cookbook blog, I am sure you noticed that I haven't updated it. It's not because I haven't written any new recipes. It is because I decided to only post recipes that I won't actually put in my cookbook. So eventually I will update it but for now not so much.

Also if you have any recipes you want to share please do so and I will post them in that blog and give you all the credit! I am always looking for new recipes.

Until tomorrow
Take care of you and yours.
Mrs. F.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Days of Our Lives

After a few days of daycare drama I am already ready for the weekend. I love them but I need a break. We are having a real clash of the titans over simply eating what you are served. I think we are currently on a hunger strike. Poor guy he would be so much happier if he just ate his lunch and got it over with.

Why do kids think we are trying to poison them? I mean really how bad can cheese, potatoes and hambuger be? Or cheese noodles and chicken? I mean its not like im trying to get them to eat sushi. LOL.

Anyway, I am weary and need some time to regroup. I hope this weekend offers it.

Funny story follows.

Superman comes running into my room followed closely by his brother Walker TR. The conversation is as follows.

Superman " Mom you have GOT to look at my face!"

Mrs. F. " whats wrong? "

Superman " Look at my face! it has bumps!" ( yes he was very excited)

Mrs. F. after carefully checking it out. Stay lunch, two old bug bites " What I don't see anything dear"

Superman " I have bugs bites , look!"


Walker TR " I told him he has two bug bites on his face. See mom right there"

Mrs. F" Yes Walker but those are a week old"

Walker TR " Oh I didn't know " exit Walker TR

I look at Superman who is caressing his face as he walks toward my bedroom door exiting only to hear him say.....wait for it....

Superman " Oh I thought there were bugs coming out of my face"
Shrug.
Exit Superman.


*blink*


Mrs. F " AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....*snort* AHAHAHAHAhAhA

Monday, July 13, 2009

Not too Quick on the Uptake.

This past week Farty Papa and I were faced with the fact that we are not so quick on the uptake. Myself more so than him. So we planned Macguyver jrs party for the 11th because hey two weeks is enough prep time to set up a 20ft pool no problem. Wow....the level of wrongness is so high. Turns out we have to level the ground , enter 2 tons of sand. Then we have to set up the pool , enter half a day of work, sweat and probably some cursing. Then we have to fill the pool, enter a huge water bill ( we knew this) and crossed fingers as we hope the liner has no pinholes and the pump didn't arrive cursed. So needless to say a week is not enough time so we pushed his party to the 25th. Turns out there may be a scout campout that weekend and Macguyver jr says to me :

" what a bummer I will have to miss that campout. I really wanted to go"

...
....
......!!!!

So before I scalped him I walked away so no one fear, he is still alive.
Moving on. Now I am waiting on news of when said scout campout is and if it is that weekend then we will push it back another week . Le..SIGH. Thankfully I have yet to send out invites. DM is going to laugh her A$$ off at me for this one. It may work out if the campout is that weekend because I was told of a family gathering on the 25th that I didn't realize had been hammered out as a sure thing.

I swear I don't know wether I am coming or going and I have gone through the past few weeks with that odd feeling of " Do I have toilet paper on my shoe and I am the only one who doesn't know about it?"

I swear by the time the party comes I will be unhinged. I will need the party more than anyone else!

On a different note, our days lately have been sans school. I have found it really hard to homeschool with daycare kids here. So my kids have had a longer summer break than average for them. They actually hate it. I didn't see that coming. So next week I have decided to start up again at least somewhat.

On an even more different note, I hate picky eaters. I swear if I had a quarter for every parent that I did daycare for that said " My child is a picky eater but I don't know where he gets it from" I'd have a lot of quarters. Another one I like is " my child is a picky eater? really? Wow, he's not picky at home" Huge pet peeves of mine. I really believe kids are picky eaters because they are allowed to be. I know I am gonna raise hairs on people but I will have to deal with the fallout of my radical ideas.

Now don't get me wrong I am not a force feeding mother. Nor am I a mom that won't allow her kids to dislike anything. Far from it. However I am a mom that won't allow my kids to dictate what I cook and server and I will never be a mom that is a short order cook. No way. One family , One meal. I am trademarking that saying so don't take it. :D

When I was a kid my mom decided our meals and we ate it. If we didn't we went hungry. It wasn't long before we ate what we were given , if only to fill the empty spot. She bought and cooked what she could afford. Cheapest cuts of meat, noodles, canned veggies. We didn't eat like kings but we ate and we grew up with a broad range of tastes because of it. I will never like canned peas. Ever. Or canned spinach. However that led me to believe I hated spinach and peas period. I don't . I discovered as an adult that I love frozen peas and fresh spinach.

The point to all of this is, I have two kids that I do daycare for, LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Adorable on every front. However they are picky eaters. Now I know for a fact they are not like that only at my house. What I find so interesting is this. They are from a split household. They split their time between Mom and Dad. Now Mom and I are good friends. Almost like sisters. I treat her kids like my own. One Family, One Meal. They are not always happy campers at meal time. Now Mom is trying hard to change their eating habits and bless her heart they give her a time. However I have a sneaky suspicion that Dad is not interested in changing their eating habits. The kids tell me Dad lets them pick dinner all the time and it gravitates between , pizza, Panda Express and Burgers. Now this is a man who was concerned that I would not feed his kids healthy meals. This stemmed from a day they were at my house and they have Oven pancake for breakfast and liked it so much they ate it for lunch too. He expressed concerns to their mother that pancakes for every meal was not well balanced. *blink*
In case you don't know and Oven pancake is a dish that is baked in the oven and it puffs up like popovers. It has an eggy custard center that we often top with ham or fruit. It is very good and a part of a healthy meal :P

Needless to say my kids would love to eat pizza, burgers or Panda Express three times a week but there is no way we can afford that and no way we would allow it. So their Mom and I will continue plugging away and hope for the best.

As I said they are treated like every other kid here, they are given the meal. They eat it. They are expected to eat it and if they choose not to they are given another shot at it at snack time. If they don't eat it then, they get an interesting breakfast. Now some parents might disagree with that approach but I am trying to teach the next generation not to waste food and to appreciate what they are given and find contentment. A lot of my generation have a hard time being content with what they have so much so that they overspend, over indulge and even over populate their relationships. ( if you know what I mean)

My kids know there is one meal and they need to eat it and be grateful. There is always another meal and maybe you will get lucky and it will be something you like. LOL.
I try to get my family's input on meals as well so I don't want to come across as I make my family eat vile creations. Ask DM , I'm a pretty good cook. Besides I use her friends as guinea pigs. Not my kids. :D.

So there is a pet peeve of mine in a nutshell.
What are yours?
Till next time
Mrs. F