Naptime conversations

Once again today I was reminded how much my kids are like their father FP. He tends to say things that are random and then hilarity ensues.

Today Superman and I went to my room for naptime. Yes he did his snuggle routine and then a few minutes later I got up to check on something and came back and sat next to him on the bed. We chatted a little which ended in "I love yous" and then I laid next to him. As we laid there I heard this odd tap on the window. Then I heard another noise, all coming from our backyard. I knew it wasn't our dogs so I looked out the window. Well in truth BOTH Superman and I looked out the window to see a pigeon party in our backyard. Several birds were flapping around and kicking up a fuss. I was satisfied it was a bird that tapped the window and prepared to lay next to Superman again , when he gave a soft sigh and said with a smile.

" I hope they have a son"

blink
" you hope they have a little birdy son?"

"yes"

" why?"

" because I am a son.

" baby birdies are way cute huh?"

" yea I like them. The Daddy bird can take care of the baby"

" what does a daddy birdy do?"

" he ....I dunno?"

" does he protect the mommy birdy and the baby? Get food and give it to the mommy and baby? He works hard doesn't he?"

" yea he does"

" so what does the mommy birdy do?"

*pause* as he looks at me like " don't you know?" He gives a half smile and says:
"Uh...I dunno. She farts the babies out?" He giggles a little but tries to remain serious.

The conversation continued on for a few minutes more but ladies and gentlemen this is the best part. So from what I gathered from this encounter :

Superman saw something FAR different when he looked out the window than I saw otherwise his conversation about birdy babymaking came entirely from his mind. What is he thinking?!

Superman has the notion that Daddies don't participate in the process of birdymaking. Only the Mommy farts them out. *laughs* I honestly don't know where he even got that much information. *goes to have a conversation with Supermans older siblings*

I love a childs mind.

Late night musings and a little bit of snuggles.

As Halloween approaches I have found I have less and less time to write. One thing I have realized however is that no matter how little time I have or how many things are rattling around in my head or how many things I have to do , I have a constant stream of recipes I am writing in my mind. Ever since I decided I was going to write a cookbook, my mind has gone into overdrive. I have so many ideas and thoughts going through my mind that I find that I go to sleep thinking about recipes and wake up doing the same. It's like even while I slept it continued. It is very wearing.

I keep thinking some day I would love to have a little chichi shop where I sell handmade creations or run a catering company but the more I research it the more it feels like a unreachable dream. Your talking about a woman who never went to college, never had any formal business training. Everything I know is self taught. All I know is I love to cook and bake. I love every aspect of the culinary arts. I love candy making. Working with chocolate is so fun. Also it has all come really easy to me. Any recipe I have tried. Or created has always been something I thought was really good but more importantly, everyone I had try it felt the same. Somehow I feel I have a knack but I really don't think I will ever really be able to make anything of this particular love. I want to be a caterer. I love the whole idea of providing a custom experience , doing something I love.

It's funny how dreams develop. I could never have seen this being my dream when I was 16. Or even 18. However as I have gotten older and learned to feed my family on several levels, it became something I just really felt I was good at. I never anticipated actually being so much like the other women in my family. What I mean is that between my grandmother and my mother I did not have a typical food experience growing up. There was no fast food, boxed meals or even "normal" meals. My grandmother made elaborate and stunning meals whenever I came to her house and she cooked that way all her life. When my friends were eating rice a roni and chicken , my mom was making sticky bones and noodles. Or we would have fruit and cheese and crusty bread for dinner. I could recount endless moments where I was intruduced to things my friends had never heard much less had eaten. Food for my family wasn't about eating or even about the food itself. It was about people who loved you preparing something to feed your body and your soul.

The women in my life did that. I presume that is why I have such a love of this kind of work. DM lets me help with some of the food at her christmas eve party she holds every year. I should clarify a little because it sounds as if this has been a long standing tradition but in truth this is the second year. I think she lets me help because she knows I like to but not necessarily because of any particular skill or aptitude I have. I think honestly she would rather do it herself. *giggle* I like helping cater her get togethers because it gives me experience in real time application of my recipes as well as being able to judge portions and quantity. Judging quantity is the hardest for me. I tend to make far too much food compared to what is actually consumed.

I have no idea why this post is all about my catering dream..lol. Perhaps it is just that I am tired and I haven't been sleeping well. Ah well enough of that. Onto much more fun topics.

Superman. He is such sweet , spontaneously affectionate yet outspoken and independant person. Since the time he was born he has been a snuggler. He loves to crawl in my bed and lay his head on my shoulder and curl his tiny body right up next to mine. He will just lay there. He doesn't need the T.V. or a book or any outside distraction. He just likes to lay there. I can't tell you how many times I have woken up to him next to me, wide awake but just snuggling next to me. The purpose of my telling you all of this is because he has a pattern now. He waits until he determines that I am getting ready for bed and he hops in bed ( we call it monkey in the middle) He announces to me and FP " I wanna sssssnuggle! "
That is my cue to say " you do?" Then in a softer more cajoling tone he says " Yes I wanna snuggle with you " Then it's my turn to get into bed and give him my shoulder , roll to face him and put my arm around him. He puts his thumb in his mouth, closes his eyes and sighs. Its a soft sound of contentment that I can only liken to that sound a baby makes after they have finished nursing and they have nodded off. Its that sound they make just after they seperate from you , like they don't want you to go away but they are so happy and sleepy that all they can muster as a protest is a sweet little sigh. This is our routine. This routine can take place at any time of day but most often right before bed.

Someday I am going to miss that. Someday I will read this and it might make me sad for want of the past. I wonder if any other mothers have these moments where they reflect and say someday I am going to ache with missing that. Or am I just a pathetic, sappy excuse for a mom?

There is no real point to this post and it is fairly random and bounces around a bit but that comes with being unfabulous I guess.
More later.
Mrs. F

Long overdue Update and Tradition commences.

It has been some time since I posted. Fear not I have not lost my desire to fill you in on the ridiculous and mundane details of my families life. Instead it was something more sinister and less dramatic. A sign of the times has manifested in us having to cut back bills to be able to pay others. Aka net,cable and phone. We were offline for a month and we just couldn't sacrifice the net so we pared down the phone and cable to make it a more manageable bill. We also rectified a problem with our electric bill so that we should see significant savings shortly.

It is safe to say that we are about as bare bones as we can take at the moment. The kids need the net for school otherwise I would say we could do without that but to be honest we do everything on the net. Bill pay, maps, homeschool materials, we get all notifications online ( insurance etc.) Not to mention just about all family correspondance. So yea internet has become a necessity. Odd that.

What is new with us? Well largely it has been more of the same. Homeschool, activities, friends and family. Tomorrow when I have more time I will update on everyone individually and I am wont to do but for now we are all doing ok. Kids are busy. Hubby and I are busy and tired. a lot. a lot a lot. We have a wedding coming up, my hubby's youngest sister. It has made me reflect a bit on my own wedding and marriage and I might post on that at a later date.

We restarted some of our old family traditions that we had to stop after the housefire. It seems a small thing but honestly to me personally its huge. We began baking bread again. Before the fire I made everything from scratch that I could. Bread, rolls, muffins, tortillas etc. We had theme nights of the week. The kids LOVED it. One night chinese, one night italian etc. After the fire I kind of stopped cooking, I mean I cooked meals ( we didn't starve ) but it wasn't "my " cooking. It was thrown together stuff that just got everyone fed. I used to really thoughtfully and lovingly prepare meals. I love to cook so it was easy. I had a very well stocked kitchen and it just felt good to make homemade pizza or calzones. Or eggrolls and wontons, potstickers etc. Over the past 18 months I have noticed the kids say things like " remember when you used to make this? or remember when we would always do this ? Or the one that hurts the most. " I wish we could make "( eggrolls, lasagna,tortillas etc.) " again" It's hard to miss the longing in a child when they say things like that and you know they long for it because YOU don't or won't do it anymore.

Personally it was hard to get back into my old swing. It felt foreign and awkward and it didn't feel like it fit anymore. It was scarey too. If I restarted some old traditions it meant I would have to remember a life we no longer had. A home we no longer had. People we no longer have. I would have to go back to that dark place and find a way past it to be able to access those memories without them smelling like smoke. Without them feeling like fear. So I just decided one night that I was taking back one tradition at a time. One memory, one action that we did . Bread baking commenced and my daughter took to it like a champ. It is amazing how the smell of baking bread doesn't smell like smoke. It's memory might bring that smell to the forefront but suddenly you are reminded that the bread baking in the oven is a new memory, an old memory reinvented. It might seem odd to someone who hasn't exprienced a housefire to hear me relating it's smells to memories. If you have never experienced it you just can't know what I mean.

Your brain attatches that smell to everything you once knew. It's like a tag. Almost a classification of that time of your life and no matter what you can't change it's tag. Now I have always said the fire was a blessing and I truly believe that. There is no measuring how much of a blessing it was because far too many good things came from it. However that is not to say it was not hard, painfull and even now continues to be a recovery process. This is a life altering event and it doesn't just go away in a couple of years. This continues. Recovering from something like this takes such a long time and often people forget or grow tired of hearing about it. So like any mourning process it takes a lot of time and it has many steps. Reintroducing small traditions into our lives again is a small step toward reinventing memories with painfull tags. So we started with bread. It was good.
Mrs. F.

Observations and Musings.

So yesterday I got a call from a girlfriend , she wanted to go shopping for some new work clothes and she wanted my company. It's funny how such a small gesture like a phone call " hey lets go do something" can really make you feel good. It's nice. So we head to the mall with her two small children. During the course of the afternoon I watched her do her "mommy" thing.

There were times she struggled , they are young and they are girls and I often thing in my experience that girls can be more demanding than boys. It's nature I think. There were moments where she struggled as I said but even in those moments she was and is such a good mom. I think sometimes she doesn't think so and she fears others might feel she lacks in the mom department. I think its a very real fear we all have as mothers and sometimes I think as mothers we can look at other moms as less than if they don't "do" what we do.

Let me tell you what I saw. I saw a mom desprately trying to find clothes while keeping two tired girls engaged and quiet. In everything she did she thought of them first. She got them sweets from a machine before they even asked. She just thought it would be nice for them. It's amazing how a few Runts can work magic on tots. She watched where she put her stroller, never too far from her. When she ordered food she thought of them first. She cut up a corndog in small pieces so that her 1 yr daughter wouldn't choke. She patiently let the child hold the half of a corndog still intact when her loving gesture of cutting it up went unappreciated. She walked the opposite way she wanted to go so her other daughter could use the bathroom. She did all of this because thats what moms do but let's ask ourselves one question. WHY? Why not leave them with a babysitter? Why not give yourself some peace?

My daughter babysitts for her children everyday. She could have left her with MTA but she didn't. I even offered to let her bring her girls over while we went to the mall and this is what she said to me. " Well I wanted to bring them because I have been gone a lot lately ( She has to work since her hubby is under employed right now) . I know they would be unhappy if I left so soon after getting home from work. Plus I want to spend time with them" Simple reasons but they speak volumes as to who she is and what kind of mom she is.

Iv'e done my fair share of outings with my kids and for years every grocery trip , doctors appointment, anything. They went. I remember always feeling overwhelmed and less than as a mother. To watch her yesterday brought back so much of those memories but in a way I didn't expect. I didn't remember how hard it was, or the tantrums or how inconvenient it was to nurse a baby mid shopping trip in a hideaway bathroom of a mall. I didn't recall how stressful it was to tote 4 or 5 kids around as we looked for shoes or backpacks. I didn't recall how it made me want to cry at the end of shopping trips because they wore me out so badly.

What I recalled was this. Walker TR even as a baby had the most infectious laugh( he still does) People would leave their check out lanes to come find the laughing baby. I recalled how he used to love to ride in the cart and he and Farty Papa would race down the isles of Wal Mart late at night , yes that is when we shopped. So what. He loved and still does, to help put things in the cart. When he was smaller it used to be whatever he could reach. A constant source of frusteration for me but now I just remember how serious he was about filling up the cart. We need this, and this, and this.

I recalled when MTA was a baby and she would ask questions the whole trip as we shopped. "Why is that bag purple? How much does the bread cost? What time is it? Can I have that? I want a Kasimodo pillow ( Quasimodo , it was back when the Disney movie Hunchback of Notre Dame came out ) Can I have a Kasimodo pillow? How come carrots are orange? Do you like my shoes? " It used to wear me out but now I miss it. She used to have a band aid fetish and used to wear them on her upper lip like a mustache. *laughs* People would ask her if she had an owie and she would say " No I don't" I would then have to explain that she just really liked band aids. As she slips further into teenhood I miss how everything she wanted to say, she wanted to say to me. I remember how important talking to me was to her.

Macguyver used to take it upon himself to make sure we had the best cart. Sometimes checking 4 or 5 carts before he found one that was suitable. He was about 4 at the time. Imagine how long that could take. Now imagine the time it took when we graduated to 2 carts at a time. Yea. He took a great interest in how much things cost and listened intently to Farty Papa's many lessons on price per ounce and how to determine the best price for the amount in the package. He also loved the toy aisle. It used to be an aisle I would avoid because he had so much to say on every toy. How cool it was and how it would work great with something he already had. How he wanted this builder set so he could make this cool robot . It killed me because we could never afford new toys but once a year at Christmas and most years not even then. Now I can only see the light in his eyes in those memories and how wonderous a new toy was.

Sketch is a quiet one and even as a baby he was content to just ride in the cart. Mostly what I remember was Farty Papa carrying him around in a backpack and Sketch would bang on his head as they walked and pull his hair. I remember one time I looked up at Sketch in the backpack and the butt area was soaked. Sketch had peed down Farty Papa's neck as we walked through Wal Mart. I remember as he got older his attention was drawn to crayons , markers and paper. He loved paper. It used to be overwhelming because he wanted to go to the art supplies but I had two carts I had to fill with groceries. Now I just remember his smile as he browsed supplies he knew he couldn't get. He was content to just look.

When superman was smaller ( hes still small) He could be fairly vocal about his needs. I can't say that any of my kids every really threw tantrums that I can remember but Suprman cried sometimes. He loved bananas ( he still does) When he was very young would have to carry a little teether thing that was like a net cup so that when we got bananas we could put a piece in it for him so he would just be quiet about the bananas. Now I miss that. Now he sits quietly and spends the time I am shopping, telling me how much he loves me and how he "wishes" I would get him this or that . Or how he thinks I am going to get him this or that. His way of subliminal messaging my brain I think. He thinks he is clever. In truth he's just cute and growing up too fast so I give in sometimes just because I like his smile and I know one day I will miss his shopping cart conversations.

So getting back to my story about the trip to the mall. As I watched her during the time I also began to watch other mothers. We went to a small play area in the mall ( ok so it needs to be known there were NO play areas in shopping malls when my kids were small . I am a tad miffed . ) In the play area I got to see several moms in several stages of mommyhood. Pregnant with small kids, tots and even a little older kids. All with moms either avidly and carefully watching and observing their play or with moms who were actively playing with their kids. I witnessed moms of all colors, races and nationalities doing what we all do. Mother. Women with overladen strollers and bags under their eyes, some moms were put together , with full make up and hair but mostly they looked tired and just greatful to have a moment to sit. While others hovered over little ones helping them slide or climb.

Now before I go on I want to be clear about something. I knew there were a ton of good moms in the world , in my community etc. It wasn't something that I wasn't aware of I mean I just took for granted that most moms were good moms. Different maybe but still good to their kids. However sitting there watching these moms it became really evident that motherhood surrounds us all.

There are so many good moms and not a single mom in that play area looked like another. Not a single one did things the same way , they didn't dress alike or think exactly like another. They were all inherently different yet they formed a sisterhood in my mind so suddenly and completley. Suddenly they were one woman. One purpose and one goal. The purpose to be the best mom they knew how to be. The goal to raise their children safely and well. Not a single one will do it the same as another yet somehow they will do just that. In that moment suddenly I didn't feel less than. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself . I am raising 5 parts of the world. 5 people who in some way or fashion will leave a mark on the world after I am gone. Suddenly I didn't feel like I would never get my chance to leave my mark on the world. I realized I already have.

I always knew I would be a mom but I didn't always know I would be greatfull for it. I knew I would love my children but I didn't always know I would want to be someone they could love in return. I just didn't think about it.
I know now. I might be a different mom but I am the best mom I know how to be and I try every day to be better. I hope someday when my children are raising children they will look back on their time with me and remember the good things and much as time has done for me, forget the bad.

I suppose I want to say to any moms who might read this, keep your head up and do what you know is best for your families. Do your best because that is all that anyone can expect from you. Silence your worst critic, (your own mind) Try to see the good you do and do even better tomorrow. Accept that somedays will be bad and some will be worse. Allow yourselves to be imperfect. Allow yourselves to be different. Allow yourselves to be who you are and get ok with who you are.
As soon as you do you will see that those who matter were always ok with who you are and those who aren't never really mattered.

I don't know where all this has come from but I think it has some merit. Let me know what you think, pass it on to moms you know if you wish. Leave a message if you feel impressed to do so. Thanks for listening.

One more thing.
Thank you for everything DM. Thank you for so many things I can't count. Thank you for saying once you were proud of me. Thank you for being brave enough to go it alone with a young child for the best of both of us.

also I want to thank the moms out there that mothered me and didn't have to.
Including but not limited to
MIL who taught me to crochet and encouraged me to nurse my babies. And many other things.
Kaye who took care of me and my kids when I needed it.

Frusteration and Bar graphs

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a blank bar graph? I need a 15 row 5 column bar graph for estimating and it is like pulling teeth to find. Unless I can make one myself which I fear would take me the better part of a day to do, I am stuck.

Doesn't the great wide net world know it needs to provide for my homeschooling needs free of charge and on demand?! Sheesh the internet is FIRED today.

Oh and trust me when I tell you that drawing bar graphs by hand with sharpies SUCKS. Also doing it without a ruler is not advised and is possibly illegal. sigh.

I need a homeschool sugar daddy AND a robot slave to do all of my technical junk so I have the materials I need before I even know I need them. Yep. Yep.

Oh and it should be known that the childrens first art and music class was a smashing success! They had a great time.

Stuff to do today:
Laundry
WalkerTR's Baptism invitation.
Calling SIL's E and K and ask them if they will sing at his Baptism.
Writing out a list of groceries for his reception.

So far my friend Kelly and my mom are bringing stuff to help with the cost. SUCH a huge relief. I hate to ask for help with that stuff , it was so nice that Kelly offered. However it should be known that I shanghied DM into bringing stuff..LOL. She has always been more than willing to help with pretty much anything offers before I have to ask but this time I asked because I suppose I really wanted her to be involved. It is a huge relief that she and DBF are coming.
(Darling Boyfriend) .

WalkerTR reallllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wanted them there but he didn't want to say anything because he knows they don't really dig the churchy stuff.
Anywhoo I am sure I will write more later but I will leave you with this parting thought.

Never ever believe your kids when they say they will clean the kitchen while you go to bed. You will wake up with a plastic cup stuck in your garbage disposal and dirty dishes that mock you incessantly. It's like a law. Oh and two sets of needlenose pliars liberates a plastic cup from a garbage disposal prison. Grunting helped. Cursing not so much.

Oh and one last golden nugget. When an 11yr old boy and a 9yr old boy get together after they both ate beans and cheese. A nuclear explosion occurs in an invisible cloud of fallout. Thus creating scene of mayhem and destruction that only a smell so bad it makes you cry can do. People we are talking devastation. Open the windows and burn every candle and pray there is no "residue" kind of devastation. It should also be noted that said boys are OBLIVIOUS to their own "brand" and even find it HIGHlarious that they can gas you out. Wicked mongrels.

*marks pinto beans off the grocery list"

Have a less gassy day than me, please for the love of all that is holy and good in the world. Oh and if you knock on my door the cloud that will greet you WAS NOT ME!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Love,
Mrs.F

Farty Papa and Elephant Jokes

Well this week has taken off so fast and just continues to run and run. We had a decent first week of school bearing in mind that half the kids were sick.

We seem to be in a really good routine and I love that. I need routine in my life to make me feel settled. I have always been a firm believer that children need routine as well. I also don't believe in scheduling every moment of their days. We are a busy family but by no means are out children swamped with actvities.

Our days start out at 6 am with the kids getting up and dressed and tidying their rooms. We generally breakfast at 7:30 am. They generally have an hour to read or watch cartoons until my first daycare girl leaves. I have her every other week for 3 hrs in the mornings. So on weeks she isn't here they read on weeks she is they get cartoons. After I take her to school we start our school at 9am.
It goes generally as follows:
Journaling
Handwriting
Spelling and Vocabulary
Notebooking for the older kids.
Reading for 1 hour and then writing summaries on chapters read.
Language and Grammar
Math
Science
History and Geography.

Three times a week we have science experiments
Once a week art and music lessons. At least one other day will include art homework. Music practice is determined by their teacher.

All in all I think a very good school day. Speaking of homeschool. A sister in my church ward called me this morning and said there was a friend of hers who used to homeschool but her kids are grown now and she is selling all of her stuff. OH! How I wish I had any money to be able to take advantage of this because no doubt this would be a great opportunity to get some great things for much less than retail. We just don't have the funds. My friend said she had maps and a globe! I would just about kill for a globe and some maps for the walls. I really want to just go SEE what she has. Maybe I can convince FP to take me and just look. Sadly he knows me too well. :(

Speaking of Farty Papa. That man just makes me laugh. Last night we were laying in bed with a couple of the kids and just talking when he starts talking in this accent. He calls it his Bill Cosby impression. When I remember what it did sound like I will let you know. GAH I can't remember. He just had me in stitches last night. Soon Macguyver2 was telling jokes as was MTA. Soon the inevitible happened.

You see. Farty Papa is notorious for his Elephant jokes. They are such groaners. Yet he tells them over and over and no matter how hard I try not too I laugh. The kids love them and I see a very real possability that they will pass these down to their children because there will be no family heirlooms or fine china. Our legacy is going to be recipes and elephant jokes.

Life is good.

I don't know why I was allowed such a great family but there isnt a bucket large enough to hold my gratitude.

More later
Mrs. F.

I've been tagged by one of my favorite people.

Four Places I've Lived:
1. Phoenix, Arizona
2. Mission Bay, California
3. Mesa, Arizona
4. Mankato, Minnesota

Four Favorite Books:
1. Man's Search For Meaning
2. The Earth Children Series
3. I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
4. The Frugal Gourmet

Four Favorite Movies:
1. The Abyss
2. Noises Off
3. Phanton of the Opera I prefer the Opera though.
4. Underworld

Four Embarrassing Facts About Me:
1. I don't often pay attention when hubby is talking to me and often have to have him repeat it. Its embarassing because I don't mean to zone out but I get focused on what I'm doing and everything else tends to just go away.
2. I laugh outloud at the most inappropriate times, when something strikes me as funny and when people fall down. The movie theatre, late at night in bed while hubby is sleeping, In church.
3. I have mooned an undercover cop once. I was young and unaware he was the po-po.
4. I have been known to on occasion, snort when I laugh. Don't ask me about it I won't demonstrate it.

Four Dreams Of Mine:
1. I want to write a series of cookbooks as well as a Sci Fi series I have been working on for several years.
2. I want to get my degree in Gastronomy and Culinary Arts. I want to be a Caterer.
3. I want to be my childrens friend when they are adults. I want to have close positive relationships with them all of their lives.
4. I want to further my painting hobby possibly through education.

Four Pet Peeves:
1. Drop Ins.
2. Buttinskys.
3. People who hurt you on purpose and try to pass it off as a loving gesture.
4. Gossip.

Four Things That Make Me Really Happy:
1. Dates with my Hubby.
2.Lunch with my girlfriends.
3. My children.
4.My nieces and nephews. So very happy. Being an Aunt is one of my favorite things. I wish circumstances made it so we could see them more.

People I tag:Freddie, Farty Papa, Neetzy