A little time has passed since we first learned about the possible complications regarding our pregnancy and I have begun to notice some things that are unexpected. Most days I feel a lot of peace. I did not expect that. I still have worry don't get me wrong but deep down I have a real sense of peace.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that we have been through much in our 20 years of marriage. I tend to be the one who prepares mentally for anything and does all she can to mitigate damage even before it happens. As you can probably imagine this has led to times where I worried for no reason and was often left exhausted and while relieved, I often felt hapless as if I was carrying a basket that was useless.
This time I don't feel like that. I feel like I gave my basket away. I know there is a very real possibility that things may take a heartbreaking turn but yet there is that sense of peace. I often look back at my life so far and think about how I never saw this life coming. I always wanted to be a mom and marry someone who truly loved me but I grew up pretty jaded about the likelihood of that happening. So to sit here surrounded by blessings that are so plentiful that I can't even number them is humbling to say the least.
Another unexpected thing that announcing the journey we are currently on has brought is the people. People have come together to show us love and support and their love is loud. I did not expect that. I told my daughter a couple of days ago that no matter the outcome this baby is already here. Real and loved. Not just by us but by those around us who are praying and showing their love for us. I also told her that this baby doesn't feel like just our baby. It feels like everyone's baby. I know that is an odd statement but there it is.
I have also noticed how some voices are oddly silent. Maybe they don't know what to say. Maybe they don't want to say anything. Maybe what they want to say wouldn't be well received. I have reflected on all of these things and I have come to the conclusion that whatever the reason it is all OK. Generally speaking we would not have told anyone we were pregnant for a few more weeks if not the entire first trimester. If it were not for the E.R. visits and the fact that we were afraid of what was going to happen , we would not have said anything because with our history of miscarriage, it was a very real possibility. I stopped telling people when they happened because sometimes well meaning people can say things that hurt so deeply that you carry it with you and it becomes intertwined with your grief.
Needless to say, to have all that we are going through "out there" is unusual for us. I tend to only tell a very few people what is going on with our family and most others get a very abridged and sanitized version if anything at all, not because we don't want others to know us. We just don't tend to share very often.
I started blogging again because my husband said I needed to document this journey and I agree. It is therapeutic to talk about what is going on.
So here is what we are looking at in the next few weeks. I have to find a doctor and get another blood test as well as another ultrasound to determine where baby is and if my HCG levels are still rising normally. If baby is in the womb like it should be then we well see the doc again in a month I would assume unless the doc determines I need to be seen more often. If baby is not where it should be then it will set into motion a whole different set of circumstances that we will have to navigate. We are spending each day as if everything is fine and enjoying the idea of a new little one again.
I think one of the things I am most looking forward to is seeing my mom with the new baby. She didn't get much chance to bond with our kids as babies but she did plenty of bonding as they got older! I hope I get to watch that relationship develop. Especially since I am older and I feel like my eyes are open now.
So here is to hope and peace. I quite like their presence.
Take care
Mrs. Flabby
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
The Journey so far.
Once again I restart my blog with the intention to detail our life but invariably it gets put to the wayside in favor of said life. Here we go again.
A little over two weeks ago we discovered after 11 years we are pregnant. Our youngest will be 11 in February and needless to say this was a shock. The story goes we tried for many years after our youngest to have another baby and we had 2 miscarriages one of which was a second trimester miscarriage. Four years went by in total before we decided we were likely done. It was such a hard thing to get over for me and I can't say I ever truly healed but you do go on and I focused on what a blessed life I have. It gets better. Fast forward another four or so years and two weeks ago I was feeling really sick and had been for several days. Darling hubby being on the ball like he always is decided to bring home a pregnancy test and said take it when you want to. I rolled my eyes and said yeah ok. I knew I couldn't be pregnant I mean who gets pregnant after so many years of trying. Ha! turns out TONS of people. Turns out ME!
As the shock set in and the sound in the room evaporated I just stared at the test that took FAR too quickly to declare positive. Seconds. Literally. I realize my phone is going off and it is darling hubby asking if I had taken the test. How did he know?! I ignore the phone because this is my last chance to announce pregnant to my sweet husband and for once I would like to do it in a cute and clever way. He texts again. I ignore it again. A little time passes and I think the dog has let go of the bone. Nope. He texts again and I know I can't ignore him.
"did you take the test??!!"
"yes"
"AND?????????"
......I have nothing clever and after all that has happened I cannot even remember what I said to him. All I know is that I had to tell him because he was clearly anxious. I didn't want to make him suffer so I said that I was and the joy began from there. His joy allowed me to find mine. We were thrilled. Scared but thrilled.
Fast forward again two weeks and I began to have severe pelvic pain concentrated on the right side and after having so many children you know the signs to look for in regards to danger in pregnancy. My mind said we may have a problem. To the ER we went and after a blood test and an ultrasound they initial diagnoses was indeed and ectopic pregnancy but not a tubal pregnancy. The baby could not be found in the womb and that left the only other option of a baby outside. The ultrasound showed a couple little abnormal things but they were nothing to fear so we didn't. We were devastated. They told us to come back in 48 hours to do another blood test and ultrasound. The reason being, they needed to measure the pregnancy hormone to see if baby was growing or not. They also wanted to recheck the ultrasound to see if they could see anything yet.
Yesterday we went back to the E.R. prepared for the heartbreak of being told how this needed to be handled. They got us right in and then we waited. The doctor who was an angel, came in with the results after quite some time and she said :
" Ok, so we rechecked everything and you are very definitely pregnant but we still see nothing in the womb but we also see nothing any place else. We rechecked the two abnormal things and before the radiologist thought the baby might have implanted on the outside of the uterine wall but today they determined that it was indeed just a small fibroid and nothing to worry about at all. They did see a cyst on the right ovary but again the radiologist is confident that it is a simple cyst and again nothing worrisome. So....*long pause* here is what I think we may be looking at. It is possible you have an ectopic pregnancy but there is no evidence of that on anything that we have seen right now. It is possible it will show up in a couple of weeks and then we will obviously have to deal with it then BUT and here is the thing. I think it is just as likely that you are in the very early stages of pregnancy and this early we wouldn't see anything in the uterus anyway. I think your pain last time is unrelated and so now here are your pregnancy hormone numbers. "
She showed us that in fact my numbers had increased and were in line with a pregnancy about 2-3 weeks along. She said that she sees no indication that this isn't a just a very early healthy pregnancy. She did caution us that it still could be what they initially thought but she really has no indication of that at this time. So now you know all that we do and in 2 weeks when I find a OB we will have more tests done and hopefully be able to see something.
We are operating on the idea that joy is a precious thing and we are going to embrace it until such a time as we are told that something else is going on. We have been so blessed by our friends and family and their support and love and hopefully in the end this will result in a little baby Lofgreen and all of this will just be a story for the baby book. We will keep everyone informed as things progress and thank you so very much for your love and support and prayers. They are much needed as things are still so uncertain but you know what in life is certain? Not much. We are so grateful and overjoyed for this chance to expand our family as we so wanted. Whatever happens that will never change.
all our love
The Lofgreens
A little over two weeks ago we discovered after 11 years we are pregnant. Our youngest will be 11 in February and needless to say this was a shock. The story goes we tried for many years after our youngest to have another baby and we had 2 miscarriages one of which was a second trimester miscarriage. Four years went by in total before we decided we were likely done. It was such a hard thing to get over for me and I can't say I ever truly healed but you do go on and I focused on what a blessed life I have. It gets better. Fast forward another four or so years and two weeks ago I was feeling really sick and had been for several days. Darling hubby being on the ball like he always is decided to bring home a pregnancy test and said take it when you want to. I rolled my eyes and said yeah ok. I knew I couldn't be pregnant I mean who gets pregnant after so many years of trying. Ha! turns out TONS of people. Turns out ME!
As the shock set in and the sound in the room evaporated I just stared at the test that took FAR too quickly to declare positive. Seconds. Literally. I realize my phone is going off and it is darling hubby asking if I had taken the test. How did he know?! I ignore the phone because this is my last chance to announce pregnant to my sweet husband and for once I would like to do it in a cute and clever way. He texts again. I ignore it again. A little time passes and I think the dog has let go of the bone. Nope. He texts again and I know I can't ignore him.
"did you take the test??!!"
"yes"
"AND?????????"
......I have nothing clever and after all that has happened I cannot even remember what I said to him. All I know is that I had to tell him because he was clearly anxious. I didn't want to make him suffer so I said that I was and the joy began from there. His joy allowed me to find mine. We were thrilled. Scared but thrilled.
Fast forward again two weeks and I began to have severe pelvic pain concentrated on the right side and after having so many children you know the signs to look for in regards to danger in pregnancy. My mind said we may have a problem. To the ER we went and after a blood test and an ultrasound they initial diagnoses was indeed and ectopic pregnancy but not a tubal pregnancy. The baby could not be found in the womb and that left the only other option of a baby outside. The ultrasound showed a couple little abnormal things but they were nothing to fear so we didn't. We were devastated. They told us to come back in 48 hours to do another blood test and ultrasound. The reason being, they needed to measure the pregnancy hormone to see if baby was growing or not. They also wanted to recheck the ultrasound to see if they could see anything yet.
Yesterday we went back to the E.R. prepared for the heartbreak of being told how this needed to be handled. They got us right in and then we waited. The doctor who was an angel, came in with the results after quite some time and she said :
" Ok, so we rechecked everything and you are very definitely pregnant but we still see nothing in the womb but we also see nothing any place else. We rechecked the two abnormal things and before the radiologist thought the baby might have implanted on the outside of the uterine wall but today they determined that it was indeed just a small fibroid and nothing to worry about at all. They did see a cyst on the right ovary but again the radiologist is confident that it is a simple cyst and again nothing worrisome. So....*long pause* here is what I think we may be looking at. It is possible you have an ectopic pregnancy but there is no evidence of that on anything that we have seen right now. It is possible it will show up in a couple of weeks and then we will obviously have to deal with it then BUT and here is the thing. I think it is just as likely that you are in the very early stages of pregnancy and this early we wouldn't see anything in the uterus anyway. I think your pain last time is unrelated and so now here are your pregnancy hormone numbers. "
She showed us that in fact my numbers had increased and were in line with a pregnancy about 2-3 weeks along. She said that she sees no indication that this isn't a just a very early healthy pregnancy. She did caution us that it still could be what they initially thought but she really has no indication of that at this time. So now you know all that we do and in 2 weeks when I find a OB we will have more tests done and hopefully be able to see something.
We are operating on the idea that joy is a precious thing and we are going to embrace it until such a time as we are told that something else is going on. We have been so blessed by our friends and family and their support and love and hopefully in the end this will result in a little baby Lofgreen and all of this will just be a story for the baby book. We will keep everyone informed as things progress and thank you so very much for your love and support and prayers. They are much needed as things are still so uncertain but you know what in life is certain? Not much. We are so grateful and overjoyed for this chance to expand our family as we so wanted. Whatever happens that will never change.
all our love
The Lofgreens
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sick, Sad and Disappointed
Well I finally got this stupid virus and I got it so well that I may have to see a Doc if my fever goes up another point. I am writing this during my one hour of lucidity, the rest of the time I have been chattering in bed and wishing it was a week from now. It seems we get this bout of illness around the same time each year and our whole family gets it and it lingers. No amount of quarantine or sanitizing keeps it at bay. Everyone gets it and then we get the follow up virus. For the record this year the second virus is worse than the original. In essence we are sick for 2 months or more and then we do ok for the rest of the year. A kid may get the odd virus but it doesnt keep them down much and usually not everyone gets it. Huzzah!
That pretty much sums up the sick part. Onto the sadness. Having callings in the church is not always easy and generally they are worth it but it kills me to see someone I love being wished to fail. Sometimes I think people forget that we are supposed to be a ward family and try to think the best of eachother instead of assume the worst. How come that is so hard for some people to do? I won't go into details except to say that my heart hurts for my loved one because I know they are trying but it is so hard to succeed when some people around you just really want you to fail so they can have back whatever they feel they have lost when someone else gets the calling.
I am so sad.
Disappointed that I cannot fix what is going on or help my loved one to feel good about their calling. Especially when I can't say I support the program as it is and have removed one of my children from it months ago. I understand how my loved one feels. It is so hard to want to be a part of something that you feel has been overtaken by some people who are overzealous and have run not just my family out of the program but others too. I literally sat with a sister as she cried over her calling in this program as she detailed how she felt unwelcome and like a usurper and treated as if she was inept and wrong at every turn. How can people grow in their calling and in the spirit if they feel such a strong opposition to everything they are trying to do?
I am disappointed that it seems this program has deviated from being youth led . I won't say more because I just needed to vent, my heart is heavy and being sick I am sure makes it worse. I just hope my loved one knows how much I love them and support them.
I don't think the answer is to throw in the towel and take our remaining children out of the program but sometimes that is really what we want to do. It's so hard.
Mrs.F
That pretty much sums up the sick part. Onto the sadness. Having callings in the church is not always easy and generally they are worth it but it kills me to see someone I love being wished to fail. Sometimes I think people forget that we are supposed to be a ward family and try to think the best of eachother instead of assume the worst. How come that is so hard for some people to do? I won't go into details except to say that my heart hurts for my loved one because I know they are trying but it is so hard to succeed when some people around you just really want you to fail so they can have back whatever they feel they have lost when someone else gets the calling.
I am so sad.
Disappointed that I cannot fix what is going on or help my loved one to feel good about their calling. Especially when I can't say I support the program as it is and have removed one of my children from it months ago. I understand how my loved one feels. It is so hard to want to be a part of something that you feel has been overtaken by some people who are overzealous and have run not just my family out of the program but others too. I literally sat with a sister as she cried over her calling in this program as she detailed how she felt unwelcome and like a usurper and treated as if she was inept and wrong at every turn. How can people grow in their calling and in the spirit if they feel such a strong opposition to everything they are trying to do?
I am disappointed that it seems this program has deviated from being youth led . I won't say more because I just needed to vent, my heart is heavy and being sick I am sure makes it worse. I just hope my loved one knows how much I love them and support them.
I don't think the answer is to throw in the towel and take our remaining children out of the program but sometimes that is really what we want to do. It's so hard.
Mrs.F
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Updates and gratitude!
It seems I am always apologizing for not blogging more so why break with tradition right?
Sorry I haven't been around lately. We have had some technical difficulties with our net provider and I have been really busy with life in general.
I promised a few posts ago to give updates on the entire fam so I intend to do that now since I am so remiss and have put it off far too long.
Superman ( our youngest) has had an eventful few months. He has lost 4 teeth, two naturally and 2 by virtue of horseplay. He has discovered the art of humor and let me tell you he is a quick wit. Who knew a 6 year old could make you laugh until your sides split?
Superman has also discovered that being the youngest has certain perks. He has learned that if he pretends to cry and loudly, his older siblings will do almost anything to get him to stop. Ahh manipulation.
Superman has learned to use a computer and is learning to read and write. He has made such progress in even just the last week. It is really amazing to watch him learn.
Superman went on his first family campout and discovered that he loves peeing on trees, hates outhouses, loves firepits and has a special fondness for anyone who gives him hot chocolate before his parents wake up.
Next we have WalkerTR. WalkerTR has had a great couple of months too. He is excited for his new cousins to arrive. He has discovered that he enjoys taking care of little kids and he wants to learn to cook. He is currently plowing through his math book with ease and has discovered a real love for reading. ( WOOHOO!)
WalkerTR also enjoyed the campout but for different reasons. He loves the outdoors and found hiking and exploring to be great fun. He also enjoyed the games one of our friends brought and played them for hours.
Walker TR has a best friend. Big news here in homeschool land. His new BF is a neighbor boy who has either adopted our family or been adopted by us. We can't really decide which. He spends a LOT of time here and has just integrated himself right into our life easy as pie. So he shall now be known as Aloha Dude. More on Aloha Dude later.
This brings us to Sketch. Sketch has been very busy the past few months as well. Sketch has continued his artwork but has also gravitated to cooking and has decided he wants to run a restaurant with me when he gets older. His new favorite show is Man vs Food on the travel channel. He has also discovered a new love for reading but to a lesser extent that his brother.
Sketch had some great experiences at the family campout as well but his favorite moment I think was when he was hiking with some family friends and his brothers, he discovered an old axe head. Further down the path he then discovered a broke axe handle and proceeded to spend the rest of the campout reassembling the axe. He is very proud of his discovery and intends to make it into wall art for his room.
Sketch has moved into his own room. We gave him his own space because we felt he was growing frusterated with sharing with his two youngest brothers. Since he has had his new room he has kept it clean every single day. He gets that from Farty Papa lol.
Next we have Macguyver Jr. Mac Jr has moved into his own room as well and has not been as successful at keeping it clean but he is trying. Mac Jr has enjoyed scouting and is currently working on his next big milestone . He enjoyed the campout and showed his dad and I that he really is a young man. That kid seriously knew more about taught lines, knots , propane stoves and fires than I ever thought possible. He is so smart and the first one to help lift, carry, set up, load, unload. He really made his parents burdens lighter at the campout. I never want to camp without him. EVER.
Mac Jr is trucking right along in his education. He averages a book a day for reading and has determined to have as little help as possible to complete his assignments.
Mac Jr's biggest achievement in the past few months I think has been his transition from young boy to young man. He truly has impressed me and his dad over and over with his willingness to help with the big stuff. It is bittersweet to see my little boy grow up so fast. He is taller than I am now and he is only 13.
MTA has had an eventful few months as well. Between school work, socializing, dances and church activities she is busier than ever. She was called to serve as President of her young womens age group and has been asked to speak at a fireside this month. It is a stake fireside and it is kind of a big deal :)
MTA has had some struggles too, it is hard being a teenage girl and navigating the world of girlfriends but she never ceases to amaze me at how she always trys to be a good person and her ability to forgive is really humbling. Amazing how kids teach us isn't it?
MTA has also gotten her drivers permit. Where did all the time go? My memories of her as a baby are still so vivid. How did she get to be here and how is it that I am not prepared? So now we embark on the driving lessons for the next six months.
Next we have our oldest son who has had some of the biggest milestones . He graduated from high school this past summer and has spent his summer working and hanging out with friends. We still see him every other weekend as per his request. We love that. He just started college and took on a second job so we see him less but that is the nature of a college student. He is working toward moving out on his own . He wants to be in law enforcement and his jobs both have to do with loss prevention for retail chains here in town. He really likes his job and they give him on the job training that is in line with his education. I really admire his dedication to his future to work full time ( 2 jobs) and go to school full time is a really hard life to carve out for himself but if anyone can do it. He can.
Farty Papa has had some of his own milestones at work and he continues to work hard . His office has had record months for three months in a row and they were just upgraded to an A store from a B store. This means they can have more employees and greater earning potential. He enjoys his job and I really like to see him come home from his job tired but content. Farty Papa was tasked with being the 11 yr old scout leader for our church boy scout troop. He is just getting it off the ground but his sons Sketch and Walker TR are thrilled with the idea that their dad is their scout leader.
Farty Papa and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer. We didn't do anything fancy but thats kind of the great thing about being married for so long. Dinner and a nice conversation really go a long way to edifying ones soul. Sure love him.
As for me well a lot has gone on but I want to keep this post about the fam, I can talk about me any time. Next post I will try to recall all that I have been up to.
All my love
Mrs. F
Sorry I haven't been around lately. We have had some technical difficulties with our net provider and I have been really busy with life in general.
I promised a few posts ago to give updates on the entire fam so I intend to do that now since I am so remiss and have put it off far too long.
Superman ( our youngest) has had an eventful few months. He has lost 4 teeth, two naturally and 2 by virtue of horseplay. He has discovered the art of humor and let me tell you he is a quick wit. Who knew a 6 year old could make you laugh until your sides split?
Superman has also discovered that being the youngest has certain perks. He has learned that if he pretends to cry and loudly, his older siblings will do almost anything to get him to stop. Ahh manipulation.
Superman has learned to use a computer and is learning to read and write. He has made such progress in even just the last week. It is really amazing to watch him learn.
Superman went on his first family campout and discovered that he loves peeing on trees, hates outhouses, loves firepits and has a special fondness for anyone who gives him hot chocolate before his parents wake up.
Next we have WalkerTR. WalkerTR has had a great couple of months too. He is excited for his new cousins to arrive. He has discovered that he enjoys taking care of little kids and he wants to learn to cook. He is currently plowing through his math book with ease and has discovered a real love for reading. ( WOOHOO!)
WalkerTR also enjoyed the campout but for different reasons. He loves the outdoors and found hiking and exploring to be great fun. He also enjoyed the games one of our friends brought and played them for hours.
Walker TR has a best friend. Big news here in homeschool land. His new BF is a neighbor boy who has either adopted our family or been adopted by us. We can't really decide which. He spends a LOT of time here and has just integrated himself right into our life easy as pie. So he shall now be known as Aloha Dude. More on Aloha Dude later.
This brings us to Sketch. Sketch has been very busy the past few months as well. Sketch has continued his artwork but has also gravitated to cooking and has decided he wants to run a restaurant with me when he gets older. His new favorite show is Man vs Food on the travel channel. He has also discovered a new love for reading but to a lesser extent that his brother.
Sketch had some great experiences at the family campout as well but his favorite moment I think was when he was hiking with some family friends and his brothers, he discovered an old axe head. Further down the path he then discovered a broke axe handle and proceeded to spend the rest of the campout reassembling the axe. He is very proud of his discovery and intends to make it into wall art for his room.
Sketch has moved into his own room. We gave him his own space because we felt he was growing frusterated with sharing with his two youngest brothers. Since he has had his new room he has kept it clean every single day. He gets that from Farty Papa lol.
Next we have Macguyver Jr. Mac Jr has moved into his own room as well and has not been as successful at keeping it clean but he is trying. Mac Jr has enjoyed scouting and is currently working on his next big milestone . He enjoyed the campout and showed his dad and I that he really is a young man. That kid seriously knew more about taught lines, knots , propane stoves and fires than I ever thought possible. He is so smart and the first one to help lift, carry, set up, load, unload. He really made his parents burdens lighter at the campout. I never want to camp without him. EVER.
Mac Jr is trucking right along in his education. He averages a book a day for reading and has determined to have as little help as possible to complete his assignments.
Mac Jr's biggest achievement in the past few months I think has been his transition from young boy to young man. He truly has impressed me and his dad over and over with his willingness to help with the big stuff. It is bittersweet to see my little boy grow up so fast. He is taller than I am now and he is only 13.
MTA has had an eventful few months as well. Between school work, socializing, dances and church activities she is busier than ever. She was called to serve as President of her young womens age group and has been asked to speak at a fireside this month. It is a stake fireside and it is kind of a big deal :)
MTA has had some struggles too, it is hard being a teenage girl and navigating the world of girlfriends but she never ceases to amaze me at how she always trys to be a good person and her ability to forgive is really humbling. Amazing how kids teach us isn't it?
MTA has also gotten her drivers permit. Where did all the time go? My memories of her as a baby are still so vivid. How did she get to be here and how is it that I am not prepared? So now we embark on the driving lessons for the next six months.
Next we have our oldest son who has had some of the biggest milestones . He graduated from high school this past summer and has spent his summer working and hanging out with friends. We still see him every other weekend as per his request. We love that. He just started college and took on a second job so we see him less but that is the nature of a college student. He is working toward moving out on his own . He wants to be in law enforcement and his jobs both have to do with loss prevention for retail chains here in town. He really likes his job and they give him on the job training that is in line with his education. I really admire his dedication to his future to work full time ( 2 jobs) and go to school full time is a really hard life to carve out for himself but if anyone can do it. He can.
Farty Papa has had some of his own milestones at work and he continues to work hard . His office has had record months for three months in a row and they were just upgraded to an A store from a B store. This means they can have more employees and greater earning potential. He enjoys his job and I really like to see him come home from his job tired but content. Farty Papa was tasked with being the 11 yr old scout leader for our church boy scout troop. He is just getting it off the ground but his sons Sketch and Walker TR are thrilled with the idea that their dad is their scout leader.
Farty Papa and I celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary this summer. We didn't do anything fancy but thats kind of the great thing about being married for so long. Dinner and a nice conversation really go a long way to edifying ones soul. Sure love him.
As for me well a lot has gone on but I want to keep this post about the fam, I can talk about me any time. Next post I will try to recall all that I have been up to.
All my love
Mrs. F
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A new perspective comes a new design
It has been quite some time since my last post and in that time tons has happened that I should have chronicled but I didn't. We have had two deaths in the family, a couple of new babies that are still cooking but will be here soon. ( not me) Our oldest has graduated from high school and is now in college. We have had girls camp, scout camp, Picnics at the park, sleepovers, ER visits, bbqs and the list goes on and on. I have lots of pictures and yet when it comes to putting them on the blog I am totally impaired. I have no clue how to add them. I used to know but it escapes me now.
My brother lost his newborn son recently and while he and I are not close, I feel such an ache for him. We know the pain of losing a child and it is one that somehow never leaves you. It changes but in some ways never dulls like the death of someone who has lived and tasted life. All of your hopes and dreams for that child and what could have been are the reminders that you take with you when you say goodbye. That is a pain that lingers. So I hurt for him and his wife and hope that their ache lessens with time.
A few weeks ago my grandfather passed away. He was the only real father I ever knew. I can remember times with him where he really nurtured my spirit. He encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and to trust myself. He trusted me when no one else did. He loved me like a father when I thought I was never supposed to have a dad. He loved his wife unconditionally and showed me how I should expect to be treated. He worked hard and showed me that there was pride in a job well done and life well lived. He loved totally, partied entirely, hurt privately and supported unconditionally. He never asked for more than he had and gave of himself before having to be asked. He raised a mom for me that is strong, unique, smart and independant. Someone who would teach me those things and allow him to be the example of the kind of man I should look for in my own spouse. I was lucky to have known him, blessed to have loved him and even more blessed to have been loved by him.
He succeeded in teaching me many things but the thing I am most grateful for is he taught me not to settle for less than I deserved. His influence in my life , I attribute to the husband I have and the life I lead. I owe him more than I could ever articulate and my gift to him will be to raise my own children to appreciate all the qualities I loved in him, in their own father.
On a different note we have had a lot of summer fun. We were not able to go away for vacation this year but Farty Papa did have a vacation in which we spent watching movies and letting him get some much needed rest. He spent time with the kids and it was the first time in a long time that he was able to just BE and not feel the pressures of life.
I will give specific updates on all of the children later but generally speaking we have had a good summer. We have spent it with dear friends and family doing all the summer activities we love. There is never enough time to do everything we want to do but we sure tried .
On one such summer night Superman had a friend sleep over and during a bit of rough housing he knocked his front teeth out on the wooden frame of a fouton. Much weeping and wailing was heard across the land as Farty Papa and I embarked on an ER trip to see if he was ok and to ensure he lost none of his super powers along with his teeth. The doctor was unconcerned and said to Superman to make sure to get a lot of loot from the tooth fairy. So I carried his teeth home and we waited for the tooth fairy and all was well in the land. Except that I was ill prepared to have to present my sons front teeth to the doctor. Even still it makes me a little sad. Somehow he looks so much more grown up now.
I hope to be updating on a more regular basis now and adding pictures as well.
until next time
Mrs. Flabby
My brother lost his newborn son recently and while he and I are not close, I feel such an ache for him. We know the pain of losing a child and it is one that somehow never leaves you. It changes but in some ways never dulls like the death of someone who has lived and tasted life. All of your hopes and dreams for that child and what could have been are the reminders that you take with you when you say goodbye. That is a pain that lingers. So I hurt for him and his wife and hope that their ache lessens with time.
A few weeks ago my grandfather passed away. He was the only real father I ever knew. I can remember times with him where he really nurtured my spirit. He encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and to trust myself. He trusted me when no one else did. He loved me like a father when I thought I was never supposed to have a dad. He loved his wife unconditionally and showed me how I should expect to be treated. He worked hard and showed me that there was pride in a job well done and life well lived. He loved totally, partied entirely, hurt privately and supported unconditionally. He never asked for more than he had and gave of himself before having to be asked. He raised a mom for me that is strong, unique, smart and independant. Someone who would teach me those things and allow him to be the example of the kind of man I should look for in my own spouse. I was lucky to have known him, blessed to have loved him and even more blessed to have been loved by him.
He succeeded in teaching me many things but the thing I am most grateful for is he taught me not to settle for less than I deserved. His influence in my life , I attribute to the husband I have and the life I lead. I owe him more than I could ever articulate and my gift to him will be to raise my own children to appreciate all the qualities I loved in him, in their own father.
On a different note we have had a lot of summer fun. We were not able to go away for vacation this year but Farty Papa did have a vacation in which we spent watching movies and letting him get some much needed rest. He spent time with the kids and it was the first time in a long time that he was able to just BE and not feel the pressures of life.
I will give specific updates on all of the children later but generally speaking we have had a good summer. We have spent it with dear friends and family doing all the summer activities we love. There is never enough time to do everything we want to do but we sure tried .
On one such summer night Superman had a friend sleep over and during a bit of rough housing he knocked his front teeth out on the wooden frame of a fouton. Much weeping and wailing was heard across the land as Farty Papa and I embarked on an ER trip to see if he was ok and to ensure he lost none of his super powers along with his teeth. The doctor was unconcerned and said to Superman to make sure to get a lot of loot from the tooth fairy. So I carried his teeth home and we waited for the tooth fairy and all was well in the land. Except that I was ill prepared to have to present my sons front teeth to the doctor. Even still it makes me a little sad. Somehow he looks so much more grown up now.
I hope to be updating on a more regular basis now and adding pictures as well.
until next time
Mrs. Flabby
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Trials and faith.
Currently we are going through a struggle. I am trying to remain positive because to be fair, we don't have near the struggles we used to have. This is due in part to a really wonderful support system we have in friends and family and also due to my husband being employed after a long time period where he was unable to find work.
Over the years we have had many struggles of all kinds but mostly of a financial nature. We still struggle financially, as do many families in this economy. I oddly feel blessed that the struggles we have , while serious and important and can be devastating, they aren't life and death. I have healthy children thank heavens. I have a loving husband whom continues to work hard with me to make sure our marriage is strong. Illness and family issues would seem to me to be insurmountable and I am unsure how I would manage those trials. I feel very blessed to have the trials I have. I know that sounds ridiculous. Who feels blessed to have trials?
I suppose I just feel blessed because they are trials I know. Struggles I am familiar with and honestly they are not as severe as they used to be. It doesn't seem to get easier to handle these trials but they seem farther apart in occurence. To me that is progress by golly!
In this past month we have had both of our vehicles break down. A flub with our bank account that led to us having to eat hundreds of dollars thanks to the lovely bank we have. I lost my tutoring job due to them not having the money to pay for the lessons anymore. Things just continue to compile. Like most families now , we live paycheck to paycheck. If several hundred dollars has to be used to fix cars or gets eaten by the bank, we feel that for a very very long time and suddenly we have the snowball effect. Does anyone else experience this? You have one problem that creates another and then another. Suddenly you are faced with a crisis that reminds you how very close you are to being in a place you never saw yourself.
A couple of years ago I would have really struggled making sense of it all but lately I really feel like these are opportunities for my faith to be strengthened. It is easy to say you have faith when things are good. When they are easy but when things are bad and your faith is tested, those are the moments when you know your mettle. When you know what you need to work on. I am listening extra close right now to try and hear what I am supposed to learn.
I know I have things I need to work on to become who I want to be, we all have things that we know we need to change. So moments like this when I feel unhappy about a trial I am facing, I am going to focus on what I can change in me and then who I can serve outside myself. Serving others has always been a great way to feel better. Not better in the way some think. Some people think others serve because they are greedy and are trying to garner blessings for themselves, I have heard people say that others serve so they can feel better about their station in life. AKA They give to others so they can feel good about their wealth. I think those are foolish ideas and I have never met a person who has served my family in any capacity that I felt was serving me so they could show off their wealth. I just don't think people do that.
I serve others because it makes me take the focus off of myself and feeling sorry for myself and focus on someone else. Someone who may or may not be worse off than me but in the end I need to serve others because always looking inward prevents you from growing your life outward. So I am trusting that this situation will get itself taken care of or we will be presented with a way to remedy our situation and turn my focus onto people outside of me that perhaps in some small way I can serve.
I feel better for just putting this down .
talk more later
Mrs. F.
Over the years we have had many struggles of all kinds but mostly of a financial nature. We still struggle financially, as do many families in this economy. I oddly feel blessed that the struggles we have , while serious and important and can be devastating, they aren't life and death. I have healthy children thank heavens. I have a loving husband whom continues to work hard with me to make sure our marriage is strong. Illness and family issues would seem to me to be insurmountable and I am unsure how I would manage those trials. I feel very blessed to have the trials I have. I know that sounds ridiculous. Who feels blessed to have trials?
I suppose I just feel blessed because they are trials I know. Struggles I am familiar with and honestly they are not as severe as they used to be. It doesn't seem to get easier to handle these trials but they seem farther apart in occurence. To me that is progress by golly!
In this past month we have had both of our vehicles break down. A flub with our bank account that led to us having to eat hundreds of dollars thanks to the lovely bank we have. I lost my tutoring job due to them not having the money to pay for the lessons anymore. Things just continue to compile. Like most families now , we live paycheck to paycheck. If several hundred dollars has to be used to fix cars or gets eaten by the bank, we feel that for a very very long time and suddenly we have the snowball effect. Does anyone else experience this? You have one problem that creates another and then another. Suddenly you are faced with a crisis that reminds you how very close you are to being in a place you never saw yourself.
A couple of years ago I would have really struggled making sense of it all but lately I really feel like these are opportunities for my faith to be strengthened. It is easy to say you have faith when things are good. When they are easy but when things are bad and your faith is tested, those are the moments when you know your mettle. When you know what you need to work on. I am listening extra close right now to try and hear what I am supposed to learn.
I know I have things I need to work on to become who I want to be, we all have things that we know we need to change. So moments like this when I feel unhappy about a trial I am facing, I am going to focus on what I can change in me and then who I can serve outside myself. Serving others has always been a great way to feel better. Not better in the way some think. Some people think others serve because they are greedy and are trying to garner blessings for themselves, I have heard people say that others serve so they can feel better about their station in life. AKA They give to others so they can feel good about their wealth. I think those are foolish ideas and I have never met a person who has served my family in any capacity that I felt was serving me so they could show off their wealth. I just don't think people do that.
I serve others because it makes me take the focus off of myself and feeling sorry for myself and focus on someone else. Someone who may or may not be worse off than me but in the end I need to serve others because always looking inward prevents you from growing your life outward. So I am trusting that this situation will get itself taken care of or we will be presented with a way to remedy our situation and turn my focus onto people outside of me that perhaps in some small way I can serve.
I feel better for just putting this down .
talk more later
Mrs. F.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Curious
Seems I lost a fan yesterday. It always makes me curious when things like this happen because usually I have no idea why lol.
When writing a blog, they are usually insanely personal and often riddled with things that might otherwise be private. Often times we put ourselves out there and hope that people " get " us. We overshare and often open ourselves to ridicule or negativity. You hope that people can see who you are behind clumsily written words or thoughts expressed haphazardly and awkwardly.
You hope that people that come across your writings, opt for the benefit of the doubt and don't rush to judge to quickly or harshly.
So when something happens, someone leaves a nasty comment or they leave all together you are often left to wonder what exactly happened. Now most bloggers, at least all those that I follow and read, would never knowingly say something to cause issues. Normally we are just venting, pondering, documenting or capturing our lives much like a journal. Blogs to me are very personal and something that is different for everyone. Some people mommy blog and only talk about things that are upbeat , fun or funny. Much like a scrapbook of a life. Some people blog their creative writings or accomplishments in their career. Some people blog a hodge podge mix of things that don't really have rhyme or reason except they are personal to the writer and therefor prudent and relevant to them. Some people blog like a diary, deeply personal and private things that occur in their lives and blogging helps them navigate situations and problems.
Some bloggers do all of this and more.
I have rarely come across a blog where I was impressed to leave a nasty remark or say something negative to someone. Perhaps it is because I don't look at someone's personal musings have having anything to do with me personally so therefor not really my place to judge or ridicule.
Now I have stopped reading blogs due to content or that simply they have deviated from a path where I have much in common with the person so it really doesn't hold my interest anymore. Nothing sinister though.
All of this leads to this , I posted something personal a couple of days back and while I don't know what was said, a comment was left and then deleted, and then a person left as a follower. Now this could all be coincidence and be completley benign. The person could have deleted their account. The commenter could have just decided they didn't like what they said. It all could be nothing.
In case in isn't nothing though:
I didn't think I wrote anything controversial or bad in my post but just in case I took it down pending my going over it at a later date. The only reason I decided to address this is not because I particularly am bothered by someone no longer reading my blog. I don't blog for others. The reason I brought this up is because I wanted to state that if anyone ever has an issue or a comment please feel free to post and know I will treat you with the same respect you give me. If there ever is an issue , it cannot be clarified or resolved without being brought to light and addressed.
I would hope that those few who do read here, would know me well enough by now to be able to come to me either by commenting below or privately if I have ever said anything that strikes a nerve. That is not to say that I will retract or even change my thoughts but perhaps I can clarify something I worded badly or perhaps someone elses perspective can help me see a different side.
So often we go through life afraid of someone's reaction , I know I have felt that a few times since writing this blog. I would hate to think that anyone reading this would be afraid to be themselves here. Anyway, perhaps it is nothing and all this is for the sole purpose to let those few who do read here, that their comments are welcome all the time regardless of wether we agree or not.
I appreciate all of you who do read and comment. It is always nice to hear what people have to say.
talk again soon
Mrs. Flabby
When writing a blog, they are usually insanely personal and often riddled with things that might otherwise be private. Often times we put ourselves out there and hope that people " get " us. We overshare and often open ourselves to ridicule or negativity. You hope that people can see who you are behind clumsily written words or thoughts expressed haphazardly and awkwardly.
You hope that people that come across your writings, opt for the benefit of the doubt and don't rush to judge to quickly or harshly.
So when something happens, someone leaves a nasty comment or they leave all together you are often left to wonder what exactly happened. Now most bloggers, at least all those that I follow and read, would never knowingly say something to cause issues. Normally we are just venting, pondering, documenting or capturing our lives much like a journal. Blogs to me are very personal and something that is different for everyone. Some people mommy blog and only talk about things that are upbeat , fun or funny. Much like a scrapbook of a life. Some people blog their creative writings or accomplishments in their career. Some people blog a hodge podge mix of things that don't really have rhyme or reason except they are personal to the writer and therefor prudent and relevant to them. Some people blog like a diary, deeply personal and private things that occur in their lives and blogging helps them navigate situations and problems.
Some bloggers do all of this and more.
I have rarely come across a blog where I was impressed to leave a nasty remark or say something negative to someone. Perhaps it is because I don't look at someone's personal musings have having anything to do with me personally so therefor not really my place to judge or ridicule.
Now I have stopped reading blogs due to content or that simply they have deviated from a path where I have much in common with the person so it really doesn't hold my interest anymore. Nothing sinister though.
All of this leads to this , I posted something personal a couple of days back and while I don't know what was said, a comment was left and then deleted, and then a person left as a follower. Now this could all be coincidence and be completley benign. The person could have deleted their account. The commenter could have just decided they didn't like what they said. It all could be nothing.
In case in isn't nothing though:
I didn't think I wrote anything controversial or bad in my post but just in case I took it down pending my going over it at a later date. The only reason I decided to address this is not because I particularly am bothered by someone no longer reading my blog. I don't blog for others. The reason I brought this up is because I wanted to state that if anyone ever has an issue or a comment please feel free to post and know I will treat you with the same respect you give me. If there ever is an issue , it cannot be clarified or resolved without being brought to light and addressed.
I would hope that those few who do read here, would know me well enough by now to be able to come to me either by commenting below or privately if I have ever said anything that strikes a nerve. That is not to say that I will retract or even change my thoughts but perhaps I can clarify something I worded badly or perhaps someone elses perspective can help me see a different side.
So often we go through life afraid of someone's reaction , I know I have felt that a few times since writing this blog. I would hate to think that anyone reading this would be afraid to be themselves here. Anyway, perhaps it is nothing and all this is for the sole purpose to let those few who do read here, that their comments are welcome all the time regardless of wether we agree or not.
I appreciate all of you who do read and comment. It is always nice to hear what people have to say.
talk again soon
Mrs. Flabby
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Today and always
I am, I was, I do, I did.
I am Greatful
I was Blessed
I am Honored
I Loved
I Laughed
I Hugged
I do Remember
I Hope
I am overwhelmed
For all who have touched our lives this year and in years past, you can't know the gratitude I have. Every day I am faced with how good and kind and faithful people are. Thank you to those who have, loved, forgiven,blessed, cared for, lifted up, held, taught,tended,nurtured and in all other ways shown your love for me and mine. Thank you to all who have allowed me and mine to love,bless,care for, lift up,hold,teach,tend,nurture and in all other ways let us love you.
You will never truly know what you mean to us but perhaps this can be a small sampling of what you mean to me. Words cannot express the depth of feeling I have.
I am greatful for the gospel that has taught me to keep trying to be better.
A husband who is my best friend but more than that he is my best person. I want to be better for him. For not seeing my faults and turning my pain into laughter. For spending time and creating memories. For allowing me to lead sometimes and then allowing me to follow. For driving even when he doesn't need to. For working hard to give us the best life he can. For giving our sons the priesthood. For my baptism.
For sisters who gave me a chance when I was new and afraid. Who continue to love me through my faults and allow me to love them.
For my children who are examples to me everyday and who endure my hugs and snuggles without complaint. Who give me hope for the future of this world.
For mothers , who surround me every day. For giving me a chance to love their children and share such a special part of their live with me.
For My mother who loves quietly and laughs loudly. Who taught me there was far more to life than the rules. That life isn't black and white and that grey can be fun. Who loved me even though I like black and white. Who continues to love some despite the pain. Who taught me to sing and clapped the loudest on opening night. Who loved me when I had no one else and made it feel like it was the whole world.
For my Mother in law who effortlessly orchestrates her huge family with the long arms of her love. Who taught me that there is strength in faith and that some things have infinite worth. Who taught me the merit in patience and virtue. Who quietly forgives and continues to be an example.
For my Father in law who teases my kids and smiles at me. Who acted like a dad to me even when I didn't appreciate it. Who reminds me he loves me and does so without expectation. Who loves his son the way his son loves his children. For teaching his son to be the man he is today.
For best friends who don't see dirty houses or messy kids. Who don't see dirty clothes or that my yard needs cutting. For emergency sewing sessions on Halloween day and never letting me feel like they would rather be someplace else. For letting me listen and give advice. For letting me lean sometimes too. For eating my cooking and making me feel like a chef! For letting me love your family. For bringing cookies just because and call just to say Hi. For treating my babies like your own. For trips to the science center just because.
For nieces and nephews who are thoughtful and kind. Who take time to show me their love and make me feel like their favorite Aunt!
For extended family who remind me that distance doesn't have to matter. Who never change or falter in their love for me and my family no matter if we don't speak often.
For a ward family who continues to show love and support and tirelessly gives to others. For taking care of my family when we struggle, for restoring faith and showing compassion. For being such great examples of the gospel. For Turkey drive bys and Secret Santas.
My heart is full, thank you all for the blessings you continue to give. Thank you for being who you are and allowing us into your lives.
All my love.
Mrs. F.
I am Greatful
I was Blessed
I am Honored
I Loved
I Laughed
I Hugged
I do Remember
I Hope
I am overwhelmed
For all who have touched our lives this year and in years past, you can't know the gratitude I have. Every day I am faced with how good and kind and faithful people are. Thank you to those who have, loved, forgiven,blessed, cared for, lifted up, held, taught,tended,nurtured and in all other ways shown your love for me and mine. Thank you to all who have allowed me and mine to love,bless,care for, lift up,hold,teach,tend,nurture and in all other ways let us love you.
You will never truly know what you mean to us but perhaps this can be a small sampling of what you mean to me. Words cannot express the depth of feeling I have.
I am greatful for the gospel that has taught me to keep trying to be better.
A husband who is my best friend but more than that he is my best person. I want to be better for him. For not seeing my faults and turning my pain into laughter. For spending time and creating memories. For allowing me to lead sometimes and then allowing me to follow. For driving even when he doesn't need to. For working hard to give us the best life he can. For giving our sons the priesthood. For my baptism.
For sisters who gave me a chance when I was new and afraid. Who continue to love me through my faults and allow me to love them.
For my children who are examples to me everyday and who endure my hugs and snuggles without complaint. Who give me hope for the future of this world.
For mothers , who surround me every day. For giving me a chance to love their children and share such a special part of their live with me.
For My mother who loves quietly and laughs loudly. Who taught me there was far more to life than the rules. That life isn't black and white and that grey can be fun. Who loved me even though I like black and white. Who continues to love some despite the pain. Who taught me to sing and clapped the loudest on opening night. Who loved me when I had no one else and made it feel like it was the whole world.
For my Mother in law who effortlessly orchestrates her huge family with the long arms of her love. Who taught me that there is strength in faith and that some things have infinite worth. Who taught me the merit in patience and virtue. Who quietly forgives and continues to be an example.
For my Father in law who teases my kids and smiles at me. Who acted like a dad to me even when I didn't appreciate it. Who reminds me he loves me and does so without expectation. Who loves his son the way his son loves his children. For teaching his son to be the man he is today.
For best friends who don't see dirty houses or messy kids. Who don't see dirty clothes or that my yard needs cutting. For emergency sewing sessions on Halloween day and never letting me feel like they would rather be someplace else. For letting me listen and give advice. For letting me lean sometimes too. For eating my cooking and making me feel like a chef! For letting me love your family. For bringing cookies just because and call just to say Hi. For treating my babies like your own. For trips to the science center just because.
For nieces and nephews who are thoughtful and kind. Who take time to show me their love and make me feel like their favorite Aunt!
For extended family who remind me that distance doesn't have to matter. Who never change or falter in their love for me and my family no matter if we don't speak often.
For a ward family who continues to show love and support and tirelessly gives to others. For taking care of my family when we struggle, for restoring faith and showing compassion. For being such great examples of the gospel. For Turkey drive bys and Secret Santas.
My heart is full, thank you all for the blessings you continue to give. Thank you for being who you are and allowing us into your lives.
All my love.
Mrs. F.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Some levity amongst dealing with trials
We need some levity around here since we are dealing with some serious things that have really dampened Farty Papa and I's sense that there is goodness in all people. Some people, you have to try really hard to see it.
You try and try to see it, you are patient and forgiving and hope one day to see true change in a person and then WHAM they remind you that they are indeed who they always were. Sad to see no growth in someone. I digress.
On to the levity. Farty Papa came home from work yesterday and imparted a story on me that gave me fits of giggles. His day started out fairly rough due to afore mentioned "serious things" ( Will not be discussed here because some forums are simply not appropriate to air things that should be private. Family blogs, social networking sites are just not a place for things that in truth, should be respected and private.)
So anyway....FP was feeling kind of low yesterday morning , his day progressed and I could see he was in far better spirits when he came home. I am sure there were several factors involved in bouying his spirits but I like to think this one was "special" .
The story begins as it always does at FP's work.( I will try to do the story justice and tell it as it was told to me)..his boss pulled him aside after helping a customer and it goes like this:
Bossman: " that customer you were just helping? ( a young woman)
FP: " yes?"
Bossman:" Well she asked me if you were married , I told her yes and with several children, She said "oh well he seems like a very nice man, sweet and very helpful" And then she said something along the lines of I'd like to meet a man like him"
FP: " um....."
Bossman: *laughs
FP: " wow " and I am going to interject my own thoughts on what he may have been feeling and thinking" did she just hit on me via my boss? " " wonder why she thought that?" " I am one sexy devil, she couldn't help herself" Ok no he wouldnt have thought that but he SHOULD have.
So as FP is relaying this to me it should be noted that before he told me about this story ( which isn't finished yet , yes it gets better) He asked me if I like his hair the way he styled it that morning. He looked hot so I said yes. He always looks hot so it wasn't hard to agree. So he then says well I haven't done my hair like this before so I just wondered. Oh and I think I got hit on today at work....then he proceeds to tell the story.
(back to the story)
FP is telling me that after his bossman had this conversation with the customer, FP went back to helping her and aparrently extolling the virtues of his wife and children , unaware of the fact that she inquired about his marital status to his boss. She then proceeds to tell him this...
" Well you seem like a really nice guy and I wish I had met a guy like you myself. Maybe if I had a guy like you I would go back to being with men instead of women."
This is where FP becomes speechless and his eyes glaze over for just a moment before he recovers and says a polite thank you and smiles. He told her that was a really nice compliment and as FP states it, helped her on her way and then began to think about it some....
The following were FP's actual thoughts as per told to me:
"Did I just get hit on by that woman?"
"I told her I was married , did she hit on me anyway? No...she was just nice"
"I did my hair different today, I wonder if my hair is the reason"
" I need to get my hair cut ASAP!"
So after I stopped laughing I said to FP
"you just got hit on by a gay woman and you think it was your hair do that was the real attraction?"
Now for the record his hair did look really good..LOL
Sometimes I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to see that women find him handsome, attentive, attractive and kind. Among other things I am sure. He was really concerned that he needed a haircut to ensure this didn't happen again.
I told him " honey you are a good looking , kind , friendly and attentive man. You will be hit on for the rest of your life. Get used to it" He kind of blinked at me and smiled.
Oh this story made me giggle. He is such a good hearted and oblivious man.
Oblivious to his own HAWTNESS aparrently.
More later
Mrs. F.
You try and try to see it, you are patient and forgiving and hope one day to see true change in a person and then WHAM they remind you that they are indeed who they always were. Sad to see no growth in someone. I digress.
On to the levity. Farty Papa came home from work yesterday and imparted a story on me that gave me fits of giggles. His day started out fairly rough due to afore mentioned "serious things" ( Will not be discussed here because some forums are simply not appropriate to air things that should be private. Family blogs, social networking sites are just not a place for things that in truth, should be respected and private.)
So anyway....FP was feeling kind of low yesterday morning , his day progressed and I could see he was in far better spirits when he came home. I am sure there were several factors involved in bouying his spirits but I like to think this one was "special" .
The story begins as it always does at FP's work.( I will try to do the story justice and tell it as it was told to me)..his boss pulled him aside after helping a customer and it goes like this:
Bossman: " that customer you were just helping? ( a young woman)
FP: " yes?"
Bossman:" Well she asked me if you were married , I told her yes and with several children, She said "oh well he seems like a very nice man, sweet and very helpful" And then she said something along the lines of I'd like to meet a man like him"
FP: " um....."
Bossman: *laughs
FP: " wow " and I am going to interject my own thoughts on what he may have been feeling and thinking" did she just hit on me via my boss? " " wonder why she thought that?" " I am one sexy devil, she couldn't help herself" Ok no he wouldnt have thought that but he SHOULD have.
So as FP is relaying this to me it should be noted that before he told me about this story ( which isn't finished yet , yes it gets better) He asked me if I like his hair the way he styled it that morning. He looked hot so I said yes. He always looks hot so it wasn't hard to agree. So he then says well I haven't done my hair like this before so I just wondered. Oh and I think I got hit on today at work....then he proceeds to tell the story.
(back to the story)
FP is telling me that after his bossman had this conversation with the customer, FP went back to helping her and aparrently extolling the virtues of his wife and children , unaware of the fact that she inquired about his marital status to his boss. She then proceeds to tell him this...
" Well you seem like a really nice guy and I wish I had met a guy like you myself. Maybe if I had a guy like you I would go back to being with men instead of women."
This is where FP becomes speechless and his eyes glaze over for just a moment before he recovers and says a polite thank you and smiles. He told her that was a really nice compliment and as FP states it, helped her on her way and then began to think about it some....
The following were FP's actual thoughts as per told to me:
"Did I just get hit on by that woman?"
"I told her I was married , did she hit on me anyway? No...she was just nice"
"I did my hair different today, I wonder if my hair is the reason"
" I need to get my hair cut ASAP!"
So after I stopped laughing I said to FP
"you just got hit on by a gay woman and you think it was your hair do that was the real attraction?"
Now for the record his hair did look really good..LOL
Sometimes I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to see that women find him handsome, attentive, attractive and kind. Among other things I am sure. He was really concerned that he needed a haircut to ensure this didn't happen again.
I told him " honey you are a good looking , kind , friendly and attentive man. You will be hit on for the rest of your life. Get used to it" He kind of blinked at me and smiled.
Oh this story made me giggle. He is such a good hearted and oblivious man.
Oblivious to his own HAWTNESS aparrently.
More later
Mrs. F.
Monday, September 7, 2009
A Life Worthwhile
Yesterday as Fartypapa went through pages of his old highschool mates on facebook and detailing their jobs and accomplishments. I began to feel a little wanting. As if my life hasn't really amounted to much. I am just a mom .
I made a comment to Farty Papa that was in my mind just a passing thought and one I didn't really think about before I said.
I said " This makes me feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life you know?"
His response gave me pause " I don't count huh?"
Ouch.
It wasn't what I meant when I said that but how else was he to take that? Yea I know...It got me thinking.
Which in truth is the real reason for this post I suppose.
I didn't go to college though I wanted to. Badly.
I don't have a career though I thought I wanted one before I got married.
I don't have fancy cars, houses, boats though they would be nice.
I don't take exotic vacations , I didn't even get a honeymoon.
I don't have much in the way of financial success and trappings.
These things are great if you have them. I do not begrudge anyone who has one or all of these things. However these are not the things that have made me laugh until my sides ache. Given me peace when the world caved in around me. Comforted me when I cried. Encouraged me when I had no courage left. The trappings of the world didn't give me joy when my children were born. My family has done this.
When I got married and saw my new son coming down the aisle swinging the ring pillow , the trappings were not what made my heart swell with such pure love and hope for him and his future. How lucky I felt that I had two men in my life that I could call my own. No trappings and worldly successes can overshadow or even compare with how totally blessed and excited I was to start this new life with them.
To say I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life is to totally negate the last 15 years of my life. I am so embarassed that it even escaped my mouth. Those that know me though may not be surprised. lol.
The culmination of my life so far can only be described as being of infinite worth. I have six beautiful children whom I love dearly. I hope someday every single one of them will know that without question. I have an extended family whom has shown time and again that they love me and remind me in little ways and sometimes gigantic ways. I have a mother who despite being given every reason to fail and every hardship given to single mothers, and more, raised me the best she knew how and encouraged me to dream even though there was little she was able to do to help me achieve them. Even though her dream was cut short by my very existence.
You may be wondering why I didn't address Fartypapa first. There is a reason for that. There is so much to say in regards to him that in truth , I needed to unclutter my mind by putting down the previous blessings so that I can articulate what I wanted to say.
How do you determine the worth of the one relationship that makes having all your other relationships possible?
How do you express your love and gratitude for someone who has spent the better part of 15 years trying to make your dreams come true?
How do you express how worthwhile someone is to you, who gave you six amazing children?
How do you express your unadulterated awe of someone who has spent his life being the good guy?
Being the one who teaches you more about yourself and who you want to be than any other single person you have ever met? Or will meet?
How do you express the peace you feel to the person who patiently and lovingly showed you the path to what will ultimately make you see the value of yourself?
How do you ever repay or even articulate these feelings?
How do you express how safe you feel with the one person who has never broken your heart?
I still don't know.
It is weak at best to say I love you. It doesn't begin to cover all that is in my heart to say the very thought of you and our life together , reminds me that the infinite worth of my life begins with you and will end with you when we are old and grey. The best thing I ever did was marry you.
So in case you were still wondering. Yes you count. You count infinity times 100.
with all the love I can muster.
Mrs. F.
I made a comment to Farty Papa that was in my mind just a passing thought and one I didn't really think about before I said.
I said " This makes me feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life you know?"
His response gave me pause " I don't count huh?"
Ouch.
It wasn't what I meant when I said that but how else was he to take that? Yea I know...It got me thinking.
Which in truth is the real reason for this post I suppose.
I didn't go to college though I wanted to. Badly.
I don't have a career though I thought I wanted one before I got married.
I don't have fancy cars, houses, boats though they would be nice.
I don't take exotic vacations , I didn't even get a honeymoon.
I don't have much in the way of financial success and trappings.
These things are great if you have them. I do not begrudge anyone who has one or all of these things. However these are not the things that have made me laugh until my sides ache. Given me peace when the world caved in around me. Comforted me when I cried. Encouraged me when I had no courage left. The trappings of the world didn't give me joy when my children were born. My family has done this.
When I got married and saw my new son coming down the aisle swinging the ring pillow , the trappings were not what made my heart swell with such pure love and hope for him and his future. How lucky I felt that I had two men in my life that I could call my own. No trappings and worldly successes can overshadow or even compare with how totally blessed and excited I was to start this new life with them.
To say I haven't done anything worthwhile in my life is to totally negate the last 15 years of my life. I am so embarassed that it even escaped my mouth. Those that know me though may not be surprised. lol.
The culmination of my life so far can only be described as being of infinite worth. I have six beautiful children whom I love dearly. I hope someday every single one of them will know that without question. I have an extended family whom has shown time and again that they love me and remind me in little ways and sometimes gigantic ways. I have a mother who despite being given every reason to fail and every hardship given to single mothers, and more, raised me the best she knew how and encouraged me to dream even though there was little she was able to do to help me achieve them. Even though her dream was cut short by my very existence.
You may be wondering why I didn't address Fartypapa first. There is a reason for that. There is so much to say in regards to him that in truth , I needed to unclutter my mind by putting down the previous blessings so that I can articulate what I wanted to say.
How do you determine the worth of the one relationship that makes having all your other relationships possible?
How do you express your love and gratitude for someone who has spent the better part of 15 years trying to make your dreams come true?
How do you express how worthwhile someone is to you, who gave you six amazing children?
How do you express your unadulterated awe of someone who has spent his life being the good guy?
Being the one who teaches you more about yourself and who you want to be than any other single person you have ever met? Or will meet?
How do you express the peace you feel to the person who patiently and lovingly showed you the path to what will ultimately make you see the value of yourself?
How do you ever repay or even articulate these feelings?
How do you express how safe you feel with the one person who has never broken your heart?
I still don't know.
It is weak at best to say I love you. It doesn't begin to cover all that is in my heart to say the very thought of you and our life together , reminds me that the infinite worth of my life begins with you and will end with you when we are old and grey. The best thing I ever did was marry you.
So in case you were still wondering. Yes you count. You count infinity times 100.
with all the love I can muster.
Mrs. F.
A moment of reflection
I received an email a few days ago that is not unlike several FartyPapa and I have received over the years from this person. It was angry, distorted, bitter and mean. More than that it was really reflective of this persons distorted view of their own life and what they perceive mine to be. I won't be going into detail because this person and the email are not really what I want to write about.
I want to write about how negative people, enemies, whatever you want to call them, (non friends) have in the past really played a part in what I thought about myself. I allowed people who found no merit in anything to do with me (sometimes it included my children, I presume the thinking was that if they came from me they had to be in some way bad.) to determine on some level my self worth. As you can imagine it was very damaging.
However over the years I began to notice that these people bothered me less and less, especially after the fire. I began to look at these people as desprately unhappy people, people who needed someone to blame for whatever they needed too. I began to see them as individuals who found no true happiness and peace in their own skin and it is far easier to blame others for your own shortcomings and failures than to step up and admit your role in your own life. Once this transformation in my thinking happened I found that I began to believe the circles around me who knew me, saw me. Truly saw me. I began to believe them when they would speak kindly of me.
Fast forward to today. Today I have tried very hard to prevent toxic people from entering my life, but sometimes you don't have a choice regarding who is in your life. Today I look back on my life, looking for some validity in the harsh words from the email. Where did these things come from? Like everyone I know, I am not perfect. I learned how to be a wife and mother by doing. No one taught me. I learned how to be a friend by doing, there was no manual. I have made mistakes like anyone , typical things we all do and as much as I try I cannot own their criticism. It isn't who I am. Once again I am faced with an individual who needs to blame me for their own shortcomings and failures. Their need to blame me really has given me a realization that was unexpected. Welcomed but unexpected.
I realized that for this individual to have such animosity toward me, I really must be doing pretty good. To be so vilified by someone whom you share no value, standards or morals with. Not a single thing in common in how you live your life, who you are. It must mean only one thing. I am living my life right and in accordance with who I want to be. Who I should be. I am raising my children with love, empathy, understanding, a hard work ethic and most of all an understanding of who they are and why they are in this world.
I think that is pretty darn good. I think that is something to be proud of. I think that pretty much trumps anyone elses negative view of me as a human being.
Yea it's good to be me. It is good to have the family I do.
Today is a good day.
Until next time
Mrs. F
I want to write about how negative people, enemies, whatever you want to call them, (non friends) have in the past really played a part in what I thought about myself. I allowed people who found no merit in anything to do with me (sometimes it included my children, I presume the thinking was that if they came from me they had to be in some way bad.) to determine on some level my self worth. As you can imagine it was very damaging.
However over the years I began to notice that these people bothered me less and less, especially after the fire. I began to look at these people as desprately unhappy people, people who needed someone to blame for whatever they needed too. I began to see them as individuals who found no true happiness and peace in their own skin and it is far easier to blame others for your own shortcomings and failures than to step up and admit your role in your own life. Once this transformation in my thinking happened I found that I began to believe the circles around me who knew me, saw me. Truly saw me. I began to believe them when they would speak kindly of me.
Fast forward to today. Today I have tried very hard to prevent toxic people from entering my life, but sometimes you don't have a choice regarding who is in your life. Today I look back on my life, looking for some validity in the harsh words from the email. Where did these things come from? Like everyone I know, I am not perfect. I learned how to be a wife and mother by doing. No one taught me. I learned how to be a friend by doing, there was no manual. I have made mistakes like anyone , typical things we all do and as much as I try I cannot own their criticism. It isn't who I am. Once again I am faced with an individual who needs to blame me for their own shortcomings and failures. Their need to blame me really has given me a realization that was unexpected. Welcomed but unexpected.
I realized that for this individual to have such animosity toward me, I really must be doing pretty good. To be so vilified by someone whom you share no value, standards or morals with. Not a single thing in common in how you live your life, who you are. It must mean only one thing. I am living my life right and in accordance with who I want to be. Who I should be. I am raising my children with love, empathy, understanding, a hard work ethic and most of all an understanding of who they are and why they are in this world.
I think that is pretty darn good. I think that is something to be proud of. I think that pretty much trumps anyone elses negative view of me as a human being.
Yea it's good to be me. It is good to have the family I do.
Today is a good day.
Until next time
Mrs. F
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The poem I promised
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get upafter the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
This is the the poem I promised a couple of days ago. I didn't post it yesterday because I posted that bohemoth ( I have no idea how to spell that word. That is not normal ) of a post yesterday and I figured that was long enough to make anyone read. I really wanted this to have a place of it's own.
I got it from a fellow blogger. I really enjoy her blog. http://www.swissarmywife.net/ Check her out.
I want to talk a bit about this because it feels very real for me. Almost like a deja vu sensation. Like I owned these words as my own.
It is almost like each stanza is a stage of my life. At some point I was that and then I changed into a different stanza. I love that.
Much of this poem I think remains true about myself. Some of it I want back. Some it was time to let go and embrace a new part of myself.
This really touched me. I am so glad she shared this with me.
Can you see yourself? Let me know what you think!
As always
Mrs. F.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream,
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get upafter the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.
- Oriah Mountain Dreamer
This is the the poem I promised a couple of days ago. I didn't post it yesterday because I posted that bohemoth ( I have no idea how to spell that word. That is not normal ) of a post yesterday and I figured that was long enough to make anyone read. I really wanted this to have a place of it's own.
I got it from a fellow blogger. I really enjoy her blog. http://www.swissarmywife.net/ Check her out.
I want to talk a bit about this because it feels very real for me. Almost like a deja vu sensation. Like I owned these words as my own.
It is almost like each stanza is a stage of my life. At some point I was that and then I changed into a different stanza. I love that.
Much of this poem I think remains true about myself. Some of it I want back. Some it was time to let go and embrace a new part of myself.
This really touched me. I am so glad she shared this with me.
Can you see yourself? Let me know what you think!
As always
Mrs. F.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
I love cooking
I just posted a tidbit about a new recipe I created on my Foodie Flabulosity blog.
I wouldn't say that I am a very creative person per se but when it comes to food I think I very well might be creative!
I had the BEST lunch. It stemmed from over cooked rice. I turned overcooked rice into creamy risotto cakes with shredded chicken, cheese and sour cream in them.
The result were crispy golden cakes fried in butter that were creamy and seemed really indulgent.
My daughter and I came up with this , when our rice cooker decided to have a stroke and over cook the rice. A first for this cooker.
The first batch MTA fried up were a little loose and flat. They tasted great mind you but they just didn't look very good. So we determined that if we chilled the mixture for a bit, we could fry them better and they would hold their shape.
I love creating new recipes. I wish my kitchen was a better work space so that more than once person could be in there at a time but nothing to be done about that . That takes money we just don't have.
I find myself sitting in front of my laptop often and just brainstorming ideas for recipes. Reading online recipes and cookbooks for inspiration etc. It's funny, after the fire I thought I would never want to cook again. My family was actually worried about it. Slowly I got back into the swing of things, for some things it was very slow. I seemed to want to try new things after the fire and leave all our family favorites tucked away.
It is interesting to me how food is such a part of our memories and experiences. Those beloved family recipes that my kids clamored for were painful for me. It took me to a place that I wanted to forget. Just move on I told myself. Keep plugging away. Don't stop for a moment to think because if you do.....I knew I would have to face how horrific the fire was for our family.
I try not to talk about it anymore. The kids mention it but it has become a footnote in what has turned out to be a pretty great transformation of our life. Thanks to a ton of people who cared for us when we couldn't muster the strength to be strong for one more day.
Sometimes though , something as silly and significant as creating a new recipe with my kids, brings those memories back. They are bittersweet now and don't carry as much pain as they used to. It would be easy to sweep it all aside and say flippantly " we only lost belongings and a couple of pets" smile emptily and follow it with" We have eachother"
It is true we have eachother. We were so very blessed to have no one hurt in the fire. Having seen my brother hurt badly in a housefire when I was a kid. I have a clear understanding of what can happen and how very very blessed we were to be able to hug eachother after the fire and every single one of us , in perfect health. That is the single greatest blessing.
However, our lives are made of up so many things that we take for granted. Every parent knows their childrens favorite things. The things that soothe them when they are fussy or scared. We as families know our pets are huge parts of our lives and they imprint on our children as litter mates and treat our babies like they were their own.
We all have things we treasure and become such a part of who we are that we cannot think of parting with them. Attatchment is human nature.
I don't know why I am going on about this today. Maybe I am feeling triumphant and sad at the same time. Who knows.
All I know is there is a memory after the fire. A couple of nights after the fire. That haunts me. I try to never entertain it. Never allow it to settle into my thoughts. I try very hard to replace that memory with something else, anything else. To no avail.
I should share it here and maybe by speaking about it I can finally leave it all be but somehow I know that this instance, this fire, this...happening. Will live on. It has to. It is part of our family history. It has molded us into who we are and our children as well. They remember. They , as most kids ,are open and relaxed about their memories. They talk about it. What they hated, what they are thankful for, what they wish they had back. What they wished mom and dad still had. The difference between them and me is when they talk about it, its only sad for a moment and then they let go. DM could tell you that letting go for me is very hard.
Sometimes I just can't let something go even when it hurts. Most days I am fine but some days are like today. A really great moment with me and my daughter is shadowed by memories of what once was. How she and her brothers once spilled a five lb bag of flour all over the kitchen and surfed in it until I got out of the shower. Belly surfed. The memory is a funny and sweet memory but it gives way to seeing that kitchen after the fire. It's hard to explain. I can still smell the smoke.
The memory I referred to was the night of the fire, our family crammed into a one room motel room. Two beds and a tv. It was a truckers motel. It was dark and Superman was crying that he wanted his Bibo ( His stuffed panda bear he loved). Then MacGuyver jr was heard softly weeping as he said " I miss Roxxy" (our chihuahua that was badly injured in the fire and later passed away) Sketch and Walker TR began to weep as well though they wouldn't speak. MTA trying to be brave said to Superman ( He was 2) " you can have my bear " her voice was quivering and it was her only belonging in the entire world ( gift from the red cross ). There we all were in the dark. The kids on one bed and Farty Papa and I on the other. Everyone weeping. Farty Papa got up and one by one brought each child into the full size bed that we shared. We all cried and snuggled together in the dark. I have never felt more helpless to comfort and help my children with their sadness.
Their comfort was gone. All they knew and treasured. I feared their childhood was gone in one moment. It was a very very bad night. It still makes me cry.
Now let me say that my children are happy and healthy kids and the fire is just a memory for them. They have a lovely childhood and speak often about the good memories they had in our old house. They have created brand new ones in our new house. All is well.
I just never want to go back to that place again. I never want to know that heartache for my children's hearts. If that makes sense.
Yet when I look back now, in this moment, I can remember clearly that they kids tears quieted down quickly and then they slept. FartyPapa and I didn't sleep much for what seemed like months. Looking back I can see that all we needed was eachother for comfort .
Thank the heavens we had eachother.
Sorry for the rambling post. I am unsure why I felt the need to share. Perhaps someone out there needs to read something I wrote.
Sometimes I think I should write a book. Then I remember that I have a gaggle of kids and likely not enough brain cells left to put down a coherent thought.
So whatever comes to me goes here for good or bad. Take it for what you will.
Feeling very blessed and bittersweet.
Mrs. F.
I wouldn't say that I am a very creative person per se but when it comes to food I think I very well might be creative!
I had the BEST lunch. It stemmed from over cooked rice. I turned overcooked rice into creamy risotto cakes with shredded chicken, cheese and sour cream in them.
The result were crispy golden cakes fried in butter that were creamy and seemed really indulgent.
My daughter and I came up with this , when our rice cooker decided to have a stroke and over cook the rice. A first for this cooker.
The first batch MTA fried up were a little loose and flat. They tasted great mind you but they just didn't look very good. So we determined that if we chilled the mixture for a bit, we could fry them better and they would hold their shape.
I love creating new recipes. I wish my kitchen was a better work space so that more than once person could be in there at a time but nothing to be done about that . That takes money we just don't have.
I find myself sitting in front of my laptop often and just brainstorming ideas for recipes. Reading online recipes and cookbooks for inspiration etc. It's funny, after the fire I thought I would never want to cook again. My family was actually worried about it. Slowly I got back into the swing of things, for some things it was very slow. I seemed to want to try new things after the fire and leave all our family favorites tucked away.
It is interesting to me how food is such a part of our memories and experiences. Those beloved family recipes that my kids clamored for were painful for me. It took me to a place that I wanted to forget. Just move on I told myself. Keep plugging away. Don't stop for a moment to think because if you do.....I knew I would have to face how horrific the fire was for our family.
I try not to talk about it anymore. The kids mention it but it has become a footnote in what has turned out to be a pretty great transformation of our life. Thanks to a ton of people who cared for us when we couldn't muster the strength to be strong for one more day.
Sometimes though , something as silly and significant as creating a new recipe with my kids, brings those memories back. They are bittersweet now and don't carry as much pain as they used to. It would be easy to sweep it all aside and say flippantly " we only lost belongings and a couple of pets" smile emptily and follow it with" We have eachother"
It is true we have eachother. We were so very blessed to have no one hurt in the fire. Having seen my brother hurt badly in a housefire when I was a kid. I have a clear understanding of what can happen and how very very blessed we were to be able to hug eachother after the fire and every single one of us , in perfect health. That is the single greatest blessing.
However, our lives are made of up so many things that we take for granted. Every parent knows their childrens favorite things. The things that soothe them when they are fussy or scared. We as families know our pets are huge parts of our lives and they imprint on our children as litter mates and treat our babies like they were their own.
We all have things we treasure and become such a part of who we are that we cannot think of parting with them. Attatchment is human nature.
I don't know why I am going on about this today. Maybe I am feeling triumphant and sad at the same time. Who knows.
All I know is there is a memory after the fire. A couple of nights after the fire. That haunts me. I try to never entertain it. Never allow it to settle into my thoughts. I try very hard to replace that memory with something else, anything else. To no avail.
I should share it here and maybe by speaking about it I can finally leave it all be but somehow I know that this instance, this fire, this...happening. Will live on. It has to. It is part of our family history. It has molded us into who we are and our children as well. They remember. They , as most kids ,are open and relaxed about their memories. They talk about it. What they hated, what they are thankful for, what they wish they had back. What they wished mom and dad still had. The difference between them and me is when they talk about it, its only sad for a moment and then they let go. DM could tell you that letting go for me is very hard.
Sometimes I just can't let something go even when it hurts. Most days I am fine but some days are like today. A really great moment with me and my daughter is shadowed by memories of what once was. How she and her brothers once spilled a five lb bag of flour all over the kitchen and surfed in it until I got out of the shower. Belly surfed. The memory is a funny and sweet memory but it gives way to seeing that kitchen after the fire. It's hard to explain. I can still smell the smoke.
The memory I referred to was the night of the fire, our family crammed into a one room motel room. Two beds and a tv. It was a truckers motel. It was dark and Superman was crying that he wanted his Bibo ( His stuffed panda bear he loved). Then MacGuyver jr was heard softly weeping as he said " I miss Roxxy" (our chihuahua that was badly injured in the fire and later passed away) Sketch and Walker TR began to weep as well though they wouldn't speak. MTA trying to be brave said to Superman ( He was 2) " you can have my bear " her voice was quivering and it was her only belonging in the entire world ( gift from the red cross ). There we all were in the dark. The kids on one bed and Farty Papa and I on the other. Everyone weeping. Farty Papa got up and one by one brought each child into the full size bed that we shared. We all cried and snuggled together in the dark. I have never felt more helpless to comfort and help my children with their sadness.
Their comfort was gone. All they knew and treasured. I feared their childhood was gone in one moment. It was a very very bad night. It still makes me cry.
Now let me say that my children are happy and healthy kids and the fire is just a memory for them. They have a lovely childhood and speak often about the good memories they had in our old house. They have created brand new ones in our new house. All is well.
I just never want to go back to that place again. I never want to know that heartache for my children's hearts. If that makes sense.
Yet when I look back now, in this moment, I can remember clearly that they kids tears quieted down quickly and then they slept. FartyPapa and I didn't sleep much for what seemed like months. Looking back I can see that all we needed was eachother for comfort .
Thank the heavens we had eachother.
Sorry for the rambling post. I am unsure why I felt the need to share. Perhaps someone out there needs to read something I wrote.
Sometimes I think I should write a book. Then I remember that I have a gaggle of kids and likely not enough brain cells left to put down a coherent thought.
So whatever comes to me goes here for good or bad. Take it for what you will.
Feeling very blessed and bittersweet.
Mrs. F.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Stuff and changes.
So much has happened in the past few weeks. We watched the demise of our pool party and the birth of the trade off. More on that later lest I jinx it by mentioning it.
Oh DM if you are reading this. We need ribs ASAP! Lets get together for dinner soon. I'll bring the hungry tummies and the sides. DM= the rib lady.
We bought a truck that we badly needed. Our poor cars are like that one teacher we all had in school that was wayyyyy past their prime, limping along and hating life. We really needed to get something that we could really depend on. I really love it. I feel like a teenager getting their first car only not MY first car( which had a blown head gasket and I never got to drive it).
Squee! so excited. Thanks to SIL and BIL for letting us buy their truck and for taking such good care of it.
We started back to school a few weeks ago and wow the kids are just doing so well. They are very dedicated and I love seeing Sketch reading so well.
So enters my pet peeve. Handwriting. I cannot stand my childrens handwriting. I have tried and tried to correct it but it is like BURNED into their brains to write like mad doctors.
So do I continue to beat my head against the wall and endure hours and hours of correcting handwriting and complaining from kids who just don't think they should have to write legibly? Or do I throw up the white flag and let them write how they wish and decide I don't care if their handwriting makes them look like illiterate, backwoods hillybilly's on paper?
(no offense to backwoods illiterate hillbillies. I totally support your right to be illiterate and backwoods and eat swamp rats and the like. Power to the people!)
moving on.......We bought MTA a car for her and her Fartypapa to fix up before she turns 16. She is over the moon for her first beater car..LOL. We had hoped to do this with my husbands oldest son but that didn't manifest much to our disappointment.
So for the next year and a half or so she and Fartypapa will fix up the car and ensure it is safe and well maintained. I will ensure it is cute and fun!
MTA started seminary this year. She loves it. More time with teenagers. *le sigh*. For those of you who read this blog but don't really know what seminary is, basically its a religious class that is geared toward highschoolers, it is kind of like a short class that gives teenagers a more involved understanding of their religion.
Also this year Fartypapa and I have decided to join a homeschooling co-op...sort of. MTA and MacGuyver jr. are being enrolled in a leadership history class of sorts. They go once a week for two hours and will get an indepth look at the founding fathers and the constitution. I am not a huge history buff so in regards to history they get exposed to what is in their curriculum and that about covers it. Don't get me wrong, their curriculum is good and I am entirely happy with the level of knowledge they are getting but when my girlfriend invited them to this class I was so excited. See she is practically on fire for History. She will give them a different perspective than my own and will hopefully give them some of her enthusiasim. MacGuyver jr LOVES history. LOVES it. He loves the stories of the past and why people did what they did and how our country came to be. this class is literature based so I am thrilled for him.
Fartypapa got promoted at work and we are thrilled about it. I love the fact that he loves his job. That is so hard to find today. He really does love it and he really likes the company he works for. We are really feeling blessed and thankful.
On a similar note, my daycare kids went back to school. They are such good kids. I sure hope they get to come around again once in awhile.
I think that is all the updates for now. Posting a poem from a fellow blogger tomorrow so be sure to check me out tomorrow.
Also for those of you who followed my cookbook blog, I am sure you noticed that I haven't updated it. It's not because I haven't written any new recipes. It is because I decided to only post recipes that I won't actually put in my cookbook. So eventually I will update it but for now not so much.
Also if you have any recipes you want to share please do so and I will post them in that blog and give you all the credit! I am always looking for new recipes.
Until tomorrow
Take care of you and yours.
Mrs. F.
Oh DM if you are reading this. We need ribs ASAP! Lets get together for dinner soon. I'll bring the hungry tummies and the sides. DM= the rib lady.
We bought a truck that we badly needed. Our poor cars are like that one teacher we all had in school that was wayyyyy past their prime, limping along and hating life. We really needed to get something that we could really depend on. I really love it. I feel like a teenager getting their first car only not MY first car( which had a blown head gasket and I never got to drive it).
Squee! so excited. Thanks to SIL and BIL for letting us buy their truck and for taking such good care of it.
We started back to school a few weeks ago and wow the kids are just doing so well. They are very dedicated and I love seeing Sketch reading so well.
So enters my pet peeve. Handwriting. I cannot stand my childrens handwriting. I have tried and tried to correct it but it is like BURNED into their brains to write like mad doctors.
So do I continue to beat my head against the wall and endure hours and hours of correcting handwriting and complaining from kids who just don't think they should have to write legibly? Or do I throw up the white flag and let them write how they wish and decide I don't care if their handwriting makes them look like illiterate, backwoods hillybilly's on paper?
(no offense to backwoods illiterate hillbillies. I totally support your right to be illiterate and backwoods and eat swamp rats and the like. Power to the people!)
moving on.......We bought MTA a car for her and her Fartypapa to fix up before she turns 16. She is over the moon for her first beater car..LOL. We had hoped to do this with my husbands oldest son but that didn't manifest much to our disappointment.
So for the next year and a half or so she and Fartypapa will fix up the car and ensure it is safe and well maintained. I will ensure it is cute and fun!
MTA started seminary this year. She loves it. More time with teenagers. *le sigh*. For those of you who read this blog but don't really know what seminary is, basically its a religious class that is geared toward highschoolers, it is kind of like a short class that gives teenagers a more involved understanding of their religion.
Also this year Fartypapa and I have decided to join a homeschooling co-op...sort of. MTA and MacGuyver jr. are being enrolled in a leadership history class of sorts. They go once a week for two hours and will get an indepth look at the founding fathers and the constitution. I am not a huge history buff so in regards to history they get exposed to what is in their curriculum and that about covers it. Don't get me wrong, their curriculum is good and I am entirely happy with the level of knowledge they are getting but when my girlfriend invited them to this class I was so excited. See she is practically on fire for History. She will give them a different perspective than my own and will hopefully give them some of her enthusiasim. MacGuyver jr LOVES history. LOVES it. He loves the stories of the past and why people did what they did and how our country came to be. this class is literature based so I am thrilled for him.
Fartypapa got promoted at work and we are thrilled about it. I love the fact that he loves his job. That is so hard to find today. He really does love it and he really likes the company he works for. We are really feeling blessed and thankful.
On a similar note, my daycare kids went back to school. They are such good kids. I sure hope they get to come around again once in awhile.
I think that is all the updates for now. Posting a poem from a fellow blogger tomorrow so be sure to check me out tomorrow.
Also for those of you who followed my cookbook blog, I am sure you noticed that I haven't updated it. It's not because I haven't written any new recipes. It is because I decided to only post recipes that I won't actually put in my cookbook. So eventually I will update it but for now not so much.
Also if you have any recipes you want to share please do so and I will post them in that blog and give you all the credit! I am always looking for new recipes.
Until tomorrow
Take care of you and yours.
Mrs. F.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Days of Our Lives
After a few days of daycare drama I am already ready for the weekend. I love them but I need a break. We are having a real clash of the titans over simply eating what you are served. I think we are currently on a hunger strike. Poor guy he would be so much happier if he just ate his lunch and got it over with.
Why do kids think we are trying to poison them? I mean really how bad can cheese, potatoes and hambuger be? Or cheese noodles and chicken? I mean its not like im trying to get them to eat sushi. LOL.
Anyway, I am weary and need some time to regroup. I hope this weekend offers it.
Funny story follows.
Superman comes running into my room followed closely by his brother Walker TR. The conversation is as follows.
Superman " Mom you have GOT to look at my face!"
Mrs. F. " whats wrong? "
Superman " Look at my face! it has bumps!" ( yes he was very excited)
Mrs. F. after carefully checking it out. Stay lunch, two old bug bites " What I don't see anything dear"
Superman " I have bugs bites , look!"
Walker TR " I told him he has two bug bites on his face. See mom right there"
Mrs. F" Yes Walker but those are a week old"
Walker TR " Oh I didn't know " exit Walker TR
I look at Superman who is caressing his face as he walks toward my bedroom door exiting only to hear him say.....wait for it....
Superman " Oh I thought there were bugs coming out of my face"
Shrug.
Exit Superman.
*blink*
Mrs. F " AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....*snort* AHAHAHAHAhAhA
Why do kids think we are trying to poison them? I mean really how bad can cheese, potatoes and hambuger be? Or cheese noodles and chicken? I mean its not like im trying to get them to eat sushi. LOL.
Anyway, I am weary and need some time to regroup. I hope this weekend offers it.
Funny story follows.
Superman comes running into my room followed closely by his brother Walker TR. The conversation is as follows.
Superman " Mom you have GOT to look at my face!"
Mrs. F. " whats wrong? "
Superman " Look at my face! it has bumps!" ( yes he was very excited)
Mrs. F. after carefully checking it out. Stay lunch, two old bug bites " What I don't see anything dear"
Superman " I have bugs bites , look!"
Walker TR " I told him he has two bug bites on his face. See mom right there"
Mrs. F" Yes Walker but those are a week old"
Walker TR " Oh I didn't know " exit Walker TR
I look at Superman who is caressing his face as he walks toward my bedroom door exiting only to hear him say.....wait for it....
Superman " Oh I thought there were bugs coming out of my face"
Shrug.
Exit Superman.
*blink*
Mrs. F " AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....*snort* AHAHAHAHAhAhA
Monday, July 13, 2009
Not too Quick on the Uptake.
This past week Farty Papa and I were faced with the fact that we are not so quick on the uptake. Myself more so than him. So we planned Macguyver jrs party for the 11th because hey two weeks is enough prep time to set up a 20ft pool no problem. Wow....the level of wrongness is so high. Turns out we have to level the ground , enter 2 tons of sand. Then we have to set up the pool , enter half a day of work, sweat and probably some cursing. Then we have to fill the pool, enter a huge water bill ( we knew this) and crossed fingers as we hope the liner has no pinholes and the pump didn't arrive cursed. So needless to say a week is not enough time so we pushed his party to the 25th. Turns out there may be a scout campout that weekend and Macguyver jr says to me :
" what a bummer I will have to miss that campout. I really wanted to go"
...
....
......!!!!
So before I scalped him I walked away so no one fear, he is still alive.
Moving on. Now I am waiting on news of when said scout campout is and if it is that weekend then we will push it back another week . Le..SIGH. Thankfully I have yet to send out invites. DM is going to laugh her A$$ off at me for this one. It may work out if the campout is that weekend because I was told of a family gathering on the 25th that I didn't realize had been hammered out as a sure thing.
I swear I don't know wether I am coming or going and I have gone through the past few weeks with that odd feeling of " Do I have toilet paper on my shoe and I am the only one who doesn't know about it?"
I swear by the time the party comes I will be unhinged. I will need the party more than anyone else!
On a different note, our days lately have been sans school. I have found it really hard to homeschool with daycare kids here. So my kids have had a longer summer break than average for them. They actually hate it. I didn't see that coming. So next week I have decided to start up again at least somewhat.
On an even more different note, I hate picky eaters. I swear if I had a quarter for every parent that I did daycare for that said " My child is a picky eater but I don't know where he gets it from" I'd have a lot of quarters. Another one I like is " my child is a picky eater? really? Wow, he's not picky at home" Huge pet peeves of mine. I really believe kids are picky eaters because they are allowed to be. I know I am gonna raise hairs on people but I will have to deal with the fallout of my radical ideas.
Now don't get me wrong I am not a force feeding mother. Nor am I a mom that won't allow her kids to dislike anything. Far from it. However I am a mom that won't allow my kids to dictate what I cook and server and I will never be a mom that is a short order cook. No way. One family , One meal. I am trademarking that saying so don't take it. :D
When I was a kid my mom decided our meals and we ate it. If we didn't we went hungry. It wasn't long before we ate what we were given , if only to fill the empty spot. She bought and cooked what she could afford. Cheapest cuts of meat, noodles, canned veggies. We didn't eat like kings but we ate and we grew up with a broad range of tastes because of it. I will never like canned peas. Ever. Or canned spinach. However that led me to believe I hated spinach and peas period. I don't . I discovered as an adult that I love frozen peas and fresh spinach.
The point to all of this is, I have two kids that I do daycare for, LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Adorable on every front. However they are picky eaters. Now I know for a fact they are not like that only at my house. What I find so interesting is this. They are from a split household. They split their time between Mom and Dad. Now Mom and I are good friends. Almost like sisters. I treat her kids like my own. One Family, One Meal. They are not always happy campers at meal time. Now Mom is trying hard to change their eating habits and bless her heart they give her a time. However I have a sneaky suspicion that Dad is not interested in changing their eating habits. The kids tell me Dad lets them pick dinner all the time and it gravitates between , pizza, Panda Express and Burgers. Now this is a man who was concerned that I would not feed his kids healthy meals. This stemmed from a day they were at my house and they have Oven pancake for breakfast and liked it so much they ate it for lunch too. He expressed concerns to their mother that pancakes for every meal was not well balanced. *blink*
In case you don't know and Oven pancake is a dish that is baked in the oven and it puffs up like popovers. It has an eggy custard center that we often top with ham or fruit. It is very good and a part of a healthy meal :P
Needless to say my kids would love to eat pizza, burgers or Panda Express three times a week but there is no way we can afford that and no way we would allow it. So their Mom and I will continue plugging away and hope for the best.
As I said they are treated like every other kid here, they are given the meal. They eat it. They are expected to eat it and if they choose not to they are given another shot at it at snack time. If they don't eat it then, they get an interesting breakfast. Now some parents might disagree with that approach but I am trying to teach the next generation not to waste food and to appreciate what they are given and find contentment. A lot of my generation have a hard time being content with what they have so much so that they overspend, over indulge and even over populate their relationships. ( if you know what I mean)
My kids know there is one meal and they need to eat it and be grateful. There is always another meal and maybe you will get lucky and it will be something you like. LOL.
I try to get my family's input on meals as well so I don't want to come across as I make my family eat vile creations. Ask DM , I'm a pretty good cook. Besides I use her friends as guinea pigs. Not my kids. :D.
So there is a pet peeve of mine in a nutshell.
What are yours?
Till next time
Mrs. F
" what a bummer I will have to miss that campout. I really wanted to go"
...
....
......!!!!
So before I scalped him I walked away so no one fear, he is still alive.
Moving on. Now I am waiting on news of when said scout campout is and if it is that weekend then we will push it back another week . Le..SIGH. Thankfully I have yet to send out invites. DM is going to laugh her A$$ off at me for this one. It may work out if the campout is that weekend because I was told of a family gathering on the 25th that I didn't realize had been hammered out as a sure thing.
I swear I don't know wether I am coming or going and I have gone through the past few weeks with that odd feeling of " Do I have toilet paper on my shoe and I am the only one who doesn't know about it?"
I swear by the time the party comes I will be unhinged. I will need the party more than anyone else!
On a different note, our days lately have been sans school. I have found it really hard to homeschool with daycare kids here. So my kids have had a longer summer break than average for them. They actually hate it. I didn't see that coming. So next week I have decided to start up again at least somewhat.
On an even more different note, I hate picky eaters. I swear if I had a quarter for every parent that I did daycare for that said " My child is a picky eater but I don't know where he gets it from" I'd have a lot of quarters. Another one I like is " my child is a picky eater? really? Wow, he's not picky at home" Huge pet peeves of mine. I really believe kids are picky eaters because they are allowed to be. I know I am gonna raise hairs on people but I will have to deal with the fallout of my radical ideas.
Now don't get me wrong I am not a force feeding mother. Nor am I a mom that won't allow her kids to dislike anything. Far from it. However I am a mom that won't allow my kids to dictate what I cook and server and I will never be a mom that is a short order cook. No way. One family , One meal. I am trademarking that saying so don't take it. :D
When I was a kid my mom decided our meals and we ate it. If we didn't we went hungry. It wasn't long before we ate what we were given , if only to fill the empty spot. She bought and cooked what she could afford. Cheapest cuts of meat, noodles, canned veggies. We didn't eat like kings but we ate and we grew up with a broad range of tastes because of it. I will never like canned peas. Ever. Or canned spinach. However that led me to believe I hated spinach and peas period. I don't . I discovered as an adult that I love frozen peas and fresh spinach.
The point to all of this is, I have two kids that I do daycare for, LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Adorable on every front. However they are picky eaters. Now I know for a fact they are not like that only at my house. What I find so interesting is this. They are from a split household. They split their time between Mom and Dad. Now Mom and I are good friends. Almost like sisters. I treat her kids like my own. One Family, One Meal. They are not always happy campers at meal time. Now Mom is trying hard to change their eating habits and bless her heart they give her a time. However I have a sneaky suspicion that Dad is not interested in changing their eating habits. The kids tell me Dad lets them pick dinner all the time and it gravitates between , pizza, Panda Express and Burgers. Now this is a man who was concerned that I would not feed his kids healthy meals. This stemmed from a day they were at my house and they have Oven pancake for breakfast and liked it so much they ate it for lunch too. He expressed concerns to their mother that pancakes for every meal was not well balanced. *blink*
In case you don't know and Oven pancake is a dish that is baked in the oven and it puffs up like popovers. It has an eggy custard center that we often top with ham or fruit. It is very good and a part of a healthy meal :P
Needless to say my kids would love to eat pizza, burgers or Panda Express three times a week but there is no way we can afford that and no way we would allow it. So their Mom and I will continue plugging away and hope for the best.
As I said they are treated like every other kid here, they are given the meal. They eat it. They are expected to eat it and if they choose not to they are given another shot at it at snack time. If they don't eat it then, they get an interesting breakfast. Now some parents might disagree with that approach but I am trying to teach the next generation not to waste food and to appreciate what they are given and find contentment. A lot of my generation have a hard time being content with what they have so much so that they overspend, over indulge and even over populate their relationships. ( if you know what I mean)
My kids know there is one meal and they need to eat it and be grateful. There is always another meal and maybe you will get lucky and it will be something you like. LOL.
I try to get my family's input on meals as well so I don't want to come across as I make my family eat vile creations. Ask DM , I'm a pretty good cook. Besides I use her friends as guinea pigs. Not my kids. :D.
So there is a pet peeve of mine in a nutshell.
What are yours?
Till next time
Mrs. F
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